Spider-Man's Sinister...Five?

Wow, that "Spider-Flunkies" post did better than I expected! Better than the Gwen Stacy post? Better than the Batgirl cover post? Clearly there's some favoritism here. But since you folks are in a spidery mood, let's take the opposite approach to The Web-Head's Rogue Gallery. Here is The Panel Biter's Top 5 Best Spider-Man Villains!

5. Sandman

Of all of Spider-Man's throwaway foes, Sandman is the best. He's not as goofy as Mysterio or as tough as The Rhino, but Flint Marko is literally an elemental. If he was in the right frame of mind he could be one of the strongest beings on Earth! But he's dumb. Well, let's say "challenged". Flint was a career criminal until he was infused with irradiated sand (best description ever) and became The Sandman. At first he was another run-of-the-mill villain, but over time he improved. For a time Sandman was an ally to Spider-Man, a friend to The Thing, and even a temporary member of The Avengers. However, he retreated back into villainy due to his mental health issues which-combined with his powers-gave him multiple personality disorder. Which for a guy who can literally split himself into multiple bodies is "a bad". Then there was the fact that Sandman had a daughter who he committed crimes for, hoping all the stolen cash could help him buy custody of her. Sandman isn't necessarily a bad guy, he just doesn't know how to handle his problems. He was an average Joe given superpowers, just like Spider-Man. The difference was that he didn't have a guiding voice of wisdom to tell him right from wrong. All Sandman had was a criminal record.

4. Kraven

The initial detail that interested me about Kraven was that he doesn't have superpowers. He is an expert tracker and hunter, he ate some "rare medicines" in Africa to enhance his natural strength, speed, and endurance, and he's trained in both military and traditional weaponry. But he can't fly or transform into a lion or anything. He's just a hunter who hunts for the ultimate beast: man. Or "Spider-Man" that is. I'm not one for classic novels, but "The Deadliest Game" by Richard Connell (circa 1924) is one of my favorite pieces of literature and I love the idea of a hunter so bored with traditional animal hunting he sought to kill a human being. Not as a murderer committing a crime, but as a hunter taking the next step in the sport. And THAT is what Kraven is, a hunter seeking a new type of game. This guy sees a human being shooting webs and lifting cars and says, "I want him". Kraven is so engraved in his battle with Spider-Man he seemingly kills Spidey and then dons his costume. Yes, in "Kraven's Last Hunt" Kraven "kills" and becomes Spider-Man. And for him it's like wearing Spider-Man's pelt. And at the end of that story he freaking kills himself because he couldn't kill Spider-Man. That's unnecessarily heavy, but God damn if that doesn't make Kraven a fascinating villain to read.

3. Venom (Eddie Brock)

Now we get into obvious territory. Eddie Brock hated Peter Parker because Peter was a better photographer. The Black Symbiot hated Spider-Man because Spidey refused to let the alien leech off his emotions anymore. When Eddie met Symbie, it was a match made in Hell. Venom is one of Marvel Comic's most iconic villains. Before he was ever a space-faring hero, he was a monster. And when he wasn't trying to devour Spider-Man, he was fighting criminals and justifying it with a twisted sense of heroism. Venom is literally the nightmare version of Spider-Man, the absolute worst of what a character like Spider-Man could be. It's horrifying to see our favorite Web-Slinger battle an actual horror movie monster, but due to what Venom is, it makes sense. Venom is Spider-Man's self-doubt. As a suit, Venom was fueled by Spider-Man's darker emotions: resentment, misery, rage. And Eddie Brock was a man with a troubled past who believed his issues were the fault of everyone else. He took no responsibility for himself. Venom is what he is named after, a poison. He's diseased Spider-Man's life. Not just by fighting him, but by using Peter's personal life against him. Venom is one of the few villains to know who Spider-Man is and who he loves. And that knowledge alone-coupled with what Venom can do-make him a living nightmare.

2. The Green Goblin (Norman Osborn)

Again, obvious. Norman Osborn was one of Peter's idols. Norman Osborn was the father of Peter's best friend. But behind the scenes, Norman was a creature beyond humanity. As The Green Goblin, Norman Osborn terrorized New York City, framed his own son by planting the Green Goblin suit on him, and killed Gwen Stacy. Ignore the fact that Norman slept with Gwen that one time and consider this: for a long time "dead meant dead" at Marvel Comics. So when The Green Goblin threw Peter's girlfriend Gwen Stacy off The Brooklyn Bridge and she died from a web-slung neck-snap, it was a shock to readers everywhere. It was the first time a major character-a love interest, no less-was straight-up murdered. That cemented Norman Osborn as a villain. And when Norman didn't have his bombs and his glider and his creepy suit, he killed the leader of The Skrull Empire, took over SHIELD, and led his own Avengers team. With Venom, Sentry, Bullseye, and other really dangerous people. He had a secret club with Loki and Doctor Doom and Namor. He contractually took Tony Stark's armor and became The Iron Patriot. Norman's role as The Green Goblin has spawned loyal followers and the signs of his return spell terror for Spider-Man. More than just a horrifying villain, The Green Goblin is a hurricane wearing a human body.

1. Doctor Octopus

Yeah, that's right! Doctor Octopus is a better villain than The Green Goblin! Come at me! Doctor Otto Octavius had an overbearing mother and an abusive father, his past littered with failing loves, judging superiors, and people who could not understand his genius. In creating working tentacle arms, Otto could show his genius and use these arms to proceed in his work. After a radioactive explosion in his lab, the arms became fused to his body and his mind began to twist. Still a genius, still resentful of his peers, and still mad with the power of his arms, Doctor Octopus was born. Consistently, Doc Ock was one of Spider-Man's deadliest foes. He used another identity called "The Master Planner" to orchestrate scenarios for Spidey to face, Doc Ock founded The Sinister Six and manipulated it's members. You have to think this too: he doesn't have actual powers either. He only has the arms. So every time Spidey or Captain America or Daredevil beat the tar out of him, he took it. And it almost lead to his death. But here is the kicker, the reason he's the best Spider-Man villain. When Doc Ock was too broken to move, when his arms and his mind were all he had left, he planned one more assault on Spider-Man. He got another Sinister Six crew and just when Spider-Man thought he won-BAM-Doctor Octopus used a piece of technology to trade minds with Spider-Man. Peter Parker died in the body of Doctor Octopus, and Otto Octavius lived once more as The Superior Spider-Man. How many villains have actually killed their enemy hero? The Joker never killed Batman. Neither Lex Luthor nor Doomsday actually killed Superman (healing coma ;D), maybe Doctor Doom and Thanos found ways to kill using cosmic powers, but come on! Doctor Octopus killed Spider-Man, stole his goddamn body, became a better Spider-Man than Peter was, AND he did it all without any Infinity Gems or cosmic forces. No, Doc Ock did this on his own. With his tech, his planning, and his effort. And then to take up the Spider-Man role-to be a superhero-solely to rub it in the face of his dead adversary. Doc-as Peter-would fall in love and allow Peter to return to his body in order to save the person he loved. More than anyone, Doc Ock shows the most capability. He is another twisted look at what Peter could have been. A mad scientist with too much genius, too much power, and too much time. For killing Spider-Man, being the superior Spider-Man, and having a solid history of villainy against Spider-Man, I truly believe Doctor Octopus is the best Spider-Man villain. Oh, and he almost married Aunt May and almost banged Mary Jane.

Thanks for reading!

Clint Facts

Lets see how much of a Clint Barton fan you are! Here are One Dozen Hawkeye Facts!

1. Before he was a superhero, Clint Barton was an orphan from Iowa. He grew up in a circus and was forced by his circus-mates to be part of their criminal group. He fell in love and aided Black Widow in stealing Iron Man's technology. After saving Iron Man's butler Jarvis, Hawkeye was invited to join The Avengers where he worked alongside Scarlet Witch, Quicksilver, and Captain America.

2. Hawkeye's martial arts experience began with Captain America. During a training session with heroes who use weapons like Clint or Tony, Captain America broke Hawkeye's bow and pinned him to the ground. He did this to prove to Hawkeye that he needed combat training in case his bow was ever unavailable.

3. In 1969, Clint Barton used the identity of Goliath. Goliath was a mantle used by Hank Pym for a time, but Clint too used Pym Particles to grow giant and use the mantle. Clint also wore the Captain America costume for a day when Tony Stark offered the shield and mantle to him. Steve was "dead" at the time and Clint had recently come back to life, so Tony figured Clint would be cut out for the role. After teaming up with the character Echo, Clint received the Ronin uniform. Echo used the Ronin identity as did Clint Barton during the "Dark Reign" era of Marvel.

4. Hawkeye died due to the actions of Scarlet Witch, he would later be revived due to the actions of Scarlet Witch, and then after coming back to life he would have sex with Scarlet Witch. Except-as he later found out-that wasn't Scarlet Witch he slept with, but a robot duplicate of her created by Doctor Doom.

5. Clint's replacement was a teenaged girl named Kate Bishop. After she was assaulted in Central Park, Kate went into intense combat training. During the first adventure of The Young Avengers, Kate broke into Avengers Mansion and stole the equipment of Mockingbird, Swordsman, Black Widow, and, most of all, Hawkeye. Even after Clint returned to the Hawkeye mantle he allowed Kate to use the codename too.

6. Among his many love interest, Clint Barton was married to the SHIELD agent/Avenger Bobbi Morse/Mockingbird. They are currently separated. In the Marvel Cinematic Universe, Clint was revealed to have a wife and three kids in "Avengers: Age of Ultron".

7. Hawkeye's first film appearance was not in "Avengers", but rather in "Thor". Agent Phil Coulson signaled Clint Barton to take a shot at Thor when The God of Thunder was trying to get his hammer back. However, Phil called it off at the last second. Jeremy Renner was uncredited in "Thor" for his cameo. Additionally, he was planned to revise the character in "Captain America: Winter Soldier", but the scene was scrapped.

8. One of the few signature team maneuvers in the history of Marvel Comics includes an unnamed move in which Ant-Man (either Hank Pym or Scott Lang) will shrink down and sit on the end of an arrow and Hawkeye will fire the arrow. Once fired, Ant-Man can hop off the flying arrow to get somewhere quick or grow giant-sized to ambush their target.

9. In the recent event "Civil War II", Clint Barton killed Bruce Banner with a Gamma Radiated arrow. Clint and Bruce had discussed how Clint "could" kill him during a time when The Hulk was dormant inside Bruce Banner. When Captain Marvel and her Avengers tracked down Bruce Banner because their future-seeing teammate predicted The Hulk would kill a lot of people, Clint followed Bruce's request by killing him with the arrow Bruce created for him. That way Bruce could keep The Hulk from hurting anyone else. As a result of this, the superhero community hates Clint Barton and the civilians love him.

10. Hawkeye's custom bow has a bowstring that takes 250 pounds of force to pull back. He designed this intentionally to keep criminals from using his bow and so he could exercise his strength while in combat. Hawkeye's use of a bow comes from his circus training under Trick Shot, but Clint also has a more personal reason. In his own words, he finds the use of a bow and arrow in an age of firearms to be "elegant". Like "sending a hand-written letter in an age of text messages".

11. Clint's superhero team memberships include: The Avengers, Avengers Academy, The New Avengers, The Secret Avengers, The West Coast Avengers, Avengers Ideas Mechanics, SHIELD, The Thunderbolts, and The Defenders.

12. In 1983, Hawkeye and Mockingbird were captured by a team called The Death Throws. Their leader Crossfire attempted to make the two them kill each other by using a brainwashing machine. During their fight, Clint slipped an arrowhead in his mouth that projected sonic waves. The sonic waves nullified the machine's control over him and he was able to save Mockingbird. As a result, Hawkeye has been deaf for years and requires hearing aids. He has learned both lip reading and sign language since that period of his life.
 Thanks for reading!

Guard Dog of The Galaxy

As some of you know I am a pet owner, I've had my black lab Sampson for twelve years. Well, you MIGHT know that if you've listening to my podcasts. http://panelbiter.podbean.com/. Anyway to say I am partial to dogs is not a far off assumption and although we've talked about Lockjaw of The Inhumans and Krypto The Super-Dog, there is one comic book dog who wasn't been mentioned. Today's Z-Lister is Marvel Comic's Cosmo The Spacedog.

Cosmo was created by Dan Abnett and Andy Lanning in "Nova Vol. 4 #8" in 2007. Cosmo is a Golden Retriever/Labrador Retriever mix from Soviet Russia. In the 1960's, The Soviet Space Program sent Cosmo into space as an experiment, but due to a malfunction the ship wandered off. Cosmo's conception was inspired by Laika; the first dog to go into outer space. The Soviet Space Program took this stray dog from the streets of Moscow, nurtured it, and then sent it on a trip around The Earth's orbit in The Sputnik 2 in 1957.
Richard Rider/Nova-basically a space cop-found himself in a floating sanctuary called Knowhere. Cosmo had been stuck on Knowhere for decades and became mutated by cosmic rays, Cosmo now had psychic abilities and chose to stay on Knowhere as it's guardian, keeping it's stray residents under his protection. Knowhere, as it happens, is the severed head of a Celestial. A Celestial, as it happens, is a being responsible for the creation of the universe. Cosmo and Nova struck up a friendship and were able to protect the residents of Knowhere until Drax The Destroyer and Gamora became possessed by an alien virus and slaughtered many residents in search of Nova.
Despite the altercation with Drax and Gamora, Nova and Cosmo would find themselves teaming up with The Guardians of The Galaxy and during a story called "The Thanos Imperative", Cosmo would be the only soul witness to Star-Lord's death. In his dying words, Star-Lord asked Cosmo to find the strongest beings in the galaxy and form The Annihilators, a team Star-Lord believed The Guardians should have been. Cosmo successfully gathers The Silver Surfer, Ronan the Accuser, Beta Ray Bill, Quasar, and The Gladiator to protect the universe on Star-Lord's behalf.
During a more resent story, a villain named Captain Skaarn tried to seize Knowhere and did so by poisoning Cosmo. Luckily, the new Nova-Sam Alexander-was able to use his cosmic powers to push the poison out of Cosmo and help him defeat Skaarn.
Believe it or not, Cosmo The Spacedog is one of the most powerful telepaths in The Marvel Universe. Rivaling the likes of Professor X, Jean Grey, and Emma Frost. Cosmo is capable of telepathy, telekinesis, psychic barriers, psychic cloaking, levitation, psychic illusions, mind control, memory manipulation, psychic detection, psychic paralysis, and extended longevity. Cosmo can defeat almost any perceivable threat from Earth or beyond-and is a dog.
I really like Cosmo and I want to see him in more stuff. If Bendis' Guardians was as interesting as I wanted it to be Cosmo could have been an awesome inclusion. Maybe it's best he's kept in the background though. He is very powerful. Compared to the rest of the main Guardians team he may overpower everyone! And the concept of him choosing to protect his new home and it's people from cosmic threats is so cool! Mainly because he's just a dog! A psychic dog with a Russian accent! How more loyal can a dog get!? So as far as comic book dogs go, Cosmo is a pretty interesting one to say the least. Granted, I would hate it if my dog could talk. The things he's seen....the things he'd say...maybe those kinds of dogs are best left in space.
Thanks for reading!

What If The Justice League...

We love superhero fights. We love em' to death. Take two of your favorite superheroes and let them just tear each other apart. While most iconic comic book scuffles like "Civil War" and the Batman/Superman fight in "The Dark Knight Strikes Again" spur out of some argument over the ethics of crime fighting, modern day superhero fights could be as plain and simple as "Hey, I don't know you! Let's fight". To remedy this I wanted to pitch a "What If" scenario that could combine a catchy name with a power-house group of characters. So let me ask you guys this: What If The Justice League had a Civil War?

I've had this idea for a long time. I always figured if Marvel Comics could highlight the importance of responsibility with their characters, what would be DC Comic's equivalent? What concept is worth fighting over? Murder. You don't think about it often, but The X-Men, The Avengers, and The Guardians of The Galaxy all kill bad-guys on occasion. Some of them like to (Drax), but others do it as a last resort (Captain America). But DC Comics is very different. In the DCU the subject of murder isn't grey, it's black and white. Some characters kill. Some characters don't. And I'm amazed DC has never tried to bring this social conflict to the forefront. The subject of murdering criminals could be a division point for the superhero community. But what would spark such anger? What event could hit the hearts of our heroes? The Death of Superman. Yes, what I'm pitching here is an alternate version of the iconic Superman event in which Doomsday "kills" Superman. With some big changes.
First of all: Superman actually dies. No healing coma. Superman would try to prevent infighting as much as possible and-you know, because he's Superman-everyone would be effected by his death. Second, Doomsday was unleashed by Lex Luthor in this version. I also skimmed through all members of the Justice League up to 1992 (the time the story was written) and picked a good collection of characters to include. After Doomsday and Superman kill each other, Batman would use his investigative mind to find and beat the crap out of Lex Luthor. But before Batman could arrest Luthor for orchestrating the death of Superman, "snap". Wonder Woman kills Luthor barehanded. The two argue over her actions and we see what this war will be fought over. Wonder Woman believes if The Justice League were open to killing criminals Superman wouldn't be dead. Batman believes they should honor Superman by upholding his morals about murder. Civil War!
As you can see I put together a display of which members each League would include. Batman's League or "The Defenders of The S" includes The Flash/Wally West, The Green Lantern/Guy Gardner, Green Arrow, Black Canary, The Elongated Man, Vibe, Gypsy, The Martian Manhunter, The Atom/Ray Palmer, Shazam, Booster Gold, Blue Beetle/Ted Kord, and Steel as Batman's second-in-command. Wonder Woman's League or "The Avengers of The S" includes Aquaman, The Green Lantern/Hal Jordan, Hawkman, Hawkgirl, Zatanna, Doctor Fate, Firestorm, Red Tornado, Captain Atom, Vixen, Fire, Ice, and Maxima as Wonder Woman's second-in-command. I selected these teams based on who would agree with Batman and/or Wonder Woman's methods, for the second-in-command members I selected characters Batman and Wonder Woman would see reflections of Superman in. Steel is an engineer-turned-superhero who was inspired by Superman, and Maxima is an alien who fell in love with Superman. I don't know how Lois Lane, Jimmy Olson, or Supergirl could fit into the story quite yet, but these two Leagues would have constant conflict over the appearances of Superman villains. Parasite, Metallo, and General Zod could all appear to test the two Leagues. Cyborg Superman could reveal himself and throw both Leagues for a loop. But the main element would be watching two groups-longtime friends-fighting over what should have been done. Watching people across the world support the "S With Bat Wings" or "The S With Bird Wings". Seeing how supporting characters and even villains react to a war between heroes.
As the story would go on you'd see more and more heroes flake out of their respective groups until it's only Batman and Wonder Woman at odds once again. And maybe it's a cop-out ending, but have Batman win. Not because he's Batman, not because he's right, but because Wonder Woman is Wonder Woman. Her people-The Amazons-are warriors by nature, but guardians at heart. Have her realize the errors of her ways, submit to the ideals of Superman and Batman. She and her side will face judgement, lives were still taken. But these are heroes, they must take responsibility for their actions, choices, and mistakes. Batman is no more satisfied than he was before, but now he knows the fight is over. And fighting the people he sees as his friends was the hardest battle he'd ever fought. Though some Leaguers are banished, arrested, or missing, Batman can still visit Wonder Woman in prison. And it is there they look over the files and proclaim "We need to build a better League".
Thanks for reading!

Demon Facts

Let's see how much of an Etrigan Fan you are! Here are One Dozen Etrigan The Demon Facts!

1. Jack Kirby's inspiration for Etrigan The Demon came from a long-running American comic strip called "Prince Valiant" where the main character dressed like a demon. This comic strip would inspire the origin of Etrigan, which is that he is a demon bonded to the soul of a knight named Jason Blood.

2. To become Etrigan, Jason Blood must speak a poem of Merlin's creation. "Gone! Gone! O' form of man! Release the might from fleshy mire! Boil the blood in the heart of fire! Gone! Gone! The form of man! Rise The Demon, Etrigan". This poem has been lessened to the last two lines for convenience.

3. In the 1970's, DC Comics was in high demand for horror characters given the rising maturity of comic book readers. However, Jack Kirby had no interest in the genre. Regardless, with his other books cancelled, he decided to create the character of Etrigan who could meet DC's demands while also being an interesting character for Kirby.

4. On Earth-17, Kamalot is an alternate version of Krypton and Etrigan is the last surviving member of the doomed planet. Merlin sent Etrigan to Earth minutes before the planet's destruction and Etrigan inhabited the body of a Kansas farm-boy named Jason Blood. That version of Jason/Etrigan protects his world as "Superdemon". In the expanded lore of "Injustice: Gods Among Us" it is revealed Etrigan has bonded to the soul of Bruce Wayne/Batman and helped him put Superman into a magic coma. In the Amalgam Universe (DC Comics and Marvel Comics combined) Etrigan was combined with Barry Allen and Wally West (The Flashes), and Danny Ketch and Johnny Blaze (The Ghost Riders) to become a character called The Speed Demon.

5. Etrigan's weaknesses include holy objects (like crosses and holy water), enchanted weaponry, and iron. Additionally, Green Arrow has shot a fire-extinguisher arrow into Etrigan's mouth and the only way to stop the pain was to revert back into Jason Blood. Jason himself is not helpless, being a former knight he has plenty of combat experience, proficiency with weapons, and an astounding understanding of magic-thought not to the extent of his demon counterpart. Additionally, if Jason were to be unable to speak he could also write out the poem to transform.

6. Etrigan is super strong, super fast, and can spout fire from his mouth. He is also highly skilled in all forms of magic, such as offensive spells, conjuring, teleportation, levitation, telepathy, and necromancy. Etrigan himself also has a large knowledge of both mystical and religious history. Because of these abilities, his immense healing factor and his sadomasochistic nature (pain makes him horny) he is strong enough to stand against beings such as Superman, Wonder Woman, The Phantom Stranger, and The Spectre.

7.  Jason and Etrigan have shared a girlfriend, Madame Xanadu. In the title "Demon Knights" Etrigan and Xanadu allied with The Shining Knight, an Amazon, and Vandal Savage back in the Dark Ages. Though Etrigan remained missing for centuries, Xanadu would be an active member of Justice League Dark.

8. It is a misconception that Etrigan can only speak in rhymes. Although the character is usually seen speaking in rhymes, he is not forced/limited to do so. He can speak normally. Etrigan's preference to speak in rhymes stems from a "promotion" he received in Hell.

9. Jason Blood once had a relationship with a woman named Glenda Mark. The two of them had a child together and Jason decided his connection to Etrigan might put the their daughter Kathryn in danger. So Jason hired a superhuman assassin named Tommy Monaghan to help steal Etrigan's literal heart from Hell. Once Tommy had the heart, Etrigan ceased to rhyme or have free will. Jason then left his wife and daughter knowing his past would still catch up to them. Because Jason didn't pay Tommy for his efforts and because Etrigan had something Tommy wanted, Tommy traded Etrigan his heart back and Etrigan returned to normal within the soul of Jason Blood.

10. Jason/Etrigan is one of the many magical patrons of The Oblivion Bar, a bar that exists on another plain of existence that is only accessible to magic-users. Other patrons include John Constantine, Zatanna, Deadman, and Detective Chimp.

11. Though it is not his usual tactic, Etrigan is not above eating his enemy whole. In the "Flashpoint" universe he battles Wonder Woman and her Female Furies. At one point in the fight Etrigan is seen eating The Cheetah.

12. In 1992, Etrigan The Demon ran for President of the United States of America. He promised more jobs, lower taxes, and an increase in military power. His campaign "America Rules" was highly successful until Superman spoke to the American public and insisted Etrigan's promises were evil in nature and that Etrigan was simply playing to the lowest sensibilities in all of us. After this, Etrigan revealed he was only running for president so he could run the country in self-destruction later.
Thanks for reading!

The Sam From UNCLE

I WANT YOU. Not in a romantic way. Or in a possessive way. Like, in a patriotic way. Like a draft. But not a literal draft. Because then I'd be going to war. I'm a dodger, not a fighter. Square up, proud Americans. Today's Z-Lister is DC Comic's Uncle Sam!

Originally a character owned by Quality Comics and created in 1940's "National Comics #1" by Will Eisner, Uncle Sam is a comic book interpretation of the American icon by the same name. "Uncle Sam" had been a personification of the American government and the country in general ever since The War of 1812 and has since been used to promote aid to the country. When the U.S. government has urged American citizens to do their part, Uncle Sam has been the visual voicebox for them. When it came to comic books there was never any kind of rights quarrel. American culture icons like Uncle Sam, Columbia, and Brother Jonathan are under The Fair Use Policy, the document that states which fictional characters can and can't be used by any party. Its this policy that keeps Mickey Mouse a Disney property, Superman a DC Comics property, and Uncle Sam, Santa Claus, and The Grim Reaper available to anyone who wants to use them.
In 1973, DC Comics acquired Uncle Sam and a few other characters from Quality Comics and formed them into a team called The Freedom Fighters. Alongside Phantom Lady, The Human Bomb, Doll Man and a few others, Uncle Sam fought Nazis on "Earth-X" a version of Earth where World War II lasted until the 1970's. In the main DC Comics canon, Uncle Sam was once a spiritual entity created by The Founding Fathers in an occult ritual. He was bound to a talisman and would possess the body of a dying patriot. It was also stated that he took other forms like the character Minuteman, Brother Jonathan, Johnny Reb, and Billy Yank. One of his more recent appearances was when the organization SHADE-ran by Father Time-tried to create a new, militarist version of The Freedom Fighters. New versions of it's members included. When Sam learned of this, he sought out this new team and taught them the true meaning of heroism and patriotism. By his side, these new Freedom Fighters fought against SHADE.
Uncle Sam has been scanned up and down and doesn't appear to be human, metahuman, or even mystical in nature. He simply exists when America needs him to exist. He has the powers of super strength, super speed, he can alter his size, and some level of clairvoyance. His other interesting ability is his access to "The Homeland". This is a pocket dimension he can teleport himself and others to. Uncle Sam's life is directly attached to the American public. If we are weak, he is weak. If we do not believe, neither will he. He is the literal personification of American pride.
I really like Uncle Sam. Next to being a cool reinvention of a historical icon, his connection to our country makes him very interesting to me. You know by now that while I try not to be political on The Panel Biter, I do believe in people. I do enjoy my country and characters like Superman, Captain America, and Uncle Sam remind me what makes patriotism so important. Because it inspires others. This country was founded on the principle of unity. How can those who protect us do so if we do not support them? And that's what Uncle Sam is. He's a tank without a driver. He's not a character, he's a force of nature. Like Death or Time or Consciousness. He simply exists. The difference is that he depends on people like you and me to believe our country is still the best there is. To believe America is where dreams become reality. It's not the bright side Uncle Sam believes in, it's the hope that we can always come back stronger than before.
Thanks for reading.

You Throw Like a Morlock!

Superheroes are iconic for many things. Symbols, costumes, gadgets, and, obviously, superpowers. However, while they may be known for flying and shooting lasers, not many people recognize their strategic attacks. One such attack being Marvel Comic's Fastball Special.

"The Fastball Special" is a combat maneuver executed by one character with super strength and another character of an agile size/weight. If you don't read comic books-you sadist-don't feel bad. You might have seen The Fastball Special before. The 1992 "X-Men" cartoon, "Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes", and "Ultimate Spider-Man" have all used this move in some regard. Even non-Marvel shows like "Transformers", "The Powerpuff Girls", "Ben 10", "Young Justice", and the anime "RWBY" have used this move. The icing on the extended media cake is in "X-Men: The Last Stand" where Wolverine and Colossus perform the move on a Sentinel during a training mission. Fitting since Wolverine and Colossus invented the move in 1975's "Uncanny X-Men #94". Ever since then the two of them have used the move in many X-Men adventures. However, what if I told you Marvel's iconic duo-attack wasn't originally theirs? Enter 1958's "Adventure Comics #253". In this Golden Age DC comic book, Dick Grayson/Robin The Boy Wonder travels back in time to when Superman was Superboy. The two of them have a team-up, one that includes a scene of Superboy throwing Robin. The original Fastball Special! Seems Chris Claremont read that story too!

So now that you know where the move came from, how is it used? Pretty simple. Hero A (the agile one) crouches on the palm of Hero B (the strong one). Hero B tosses Hero A in an Olympic "Shot Put" motion. Hero A proceeds to attack the targeted enemy at breakneck speeds! The move depends on a lot of factors. Strength of the toss, aiming, and the aerodynamics of the flung hero. Since it's such a simple team-attack it's been used by more than just Wolverine and Colossus. Wolverine has performed the move with The Hulk, The Thing, and She-Hulk. She-Hulk, by the way, commented on the firmness of Wolvie's butt. Wolverine also proves his worth as a teacher by instructing two Korean copies of himself and Colossus how to perform the move. Since he was recently a Dean at The Jean Grey School of Higher Learning it can be assumed he taught younger X-Men the move too. The move has also been used by non-mutant characters like Giant-Man and The Hulk, and Luke Cage and Iron Fist.

The Fastball Special is the perfect representation of what teamwork means to comic books. It takes a lot of force, but also a lot of trust to fling your friend into danger. You never know when your living projectile might hit something a little harder than flesh. But with this move being as old as Wolverine-and even Robin-it's not a stretch to say The Fastball Special is a piece of comic book history that will never go away. Not as long as there are friends to toss and things to hit!

Thanks for reading!

Panther Facts

Let's see how much of a Black Panther Fan you are! Here are One Dozen Facts about Black Panther!

1. Stan Lee and Jack Kirby named this character "Black Panther" in reference to the black socialist group called The Black Panther Party that existed in the 1960's. Jack Kirby originally wanted to use the name "Coal Tiger" and for a brief time-to avoid controversial collaboration with The Black Panther Party-the name "Black Leopard" was also used until Stan Lee refused to use that name.

2. Jack Kirby's original design for Black Panther wore a yellow and grey leotard with a black and red cape. This costume was more accurate to traditional superheroes, but was ultimately discarded in favor for a simpler costume. In "Avengers #52" in 1968, Black Panther's costume had an opening for his mouth and nose. This too was left behind. First costume here: https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/a/a3/Coal_tiger.jpg

3. Black Panther first appeared in "Fantastic Four #52" in 1966 where he single-handily kidnapped each member of The Fantastic Four, studied their powers, and then let them go. The Fantastic Four could not fight back due to Black Panther being the King of another country.

4. T'Challa is the king of Wakanda, a fictional country in Africa that was kept hidden from the rest of the world until the 1960's. Wakanda has access to advanced technology and spiritual magic, it also houses a cave full of Vibranium. This rare metal is what Captain America's shield is made of and the metal lines T'Challa's suit and his weapons. Because of the technology, magic, and rare metal, Wakanda was kept hidden by it's kings to prevent other nations from gaining their resources.

5. "The Black Panther" is a mantle passed from King to King in Wakanda. To assume the mantle, one must pass a set of trails, be familiar with political, scientific, and spiritual studies, and eat a heart-shaped herb that enhances their natural strengths and senses. Along with T'Challa, his sister Shuri has used the Black Panther mantle.

6. The nation of Wakanda has gone to war with both Latvaria-ruled by Doctor Doom-and Atlantis-ruled by Namor The Sub-Mariner.

7. T'Challa has an on-and-off connection to a Panther God, just like past Black Panthers. Through his magical experiences he has also become "The King of The Dead". This title allows him to borrow the strength and knowledge of the dead Black Panthers before him as well as control the undead.

8. One of Black Panther's more obscure tools is called The Kimoyo Card. It is a card-shaped device that can do the work of a super-computer.

9. The feud during "Civil War" between Captain America and Iron Man was put on break when they attended the marriage of Black Panther and Storm of The X-Men. Panther and Storm ruled over Wakanda and took part in relations with other nations. Currently, the two are divorced.

10. After Daredevil was possessed by a demon in "Shadowland" he asked Black Panther to watch over Hell's Kitchen until he properly recovered. While Shuri ruled Wakanda, T'Challa was able to reconnect with American civilization and ease himself of his responsibilities.

11. Along with The Avengers, The Fantastic Four, The Ultimates, and The Defenders, Black Panther has been a member of The Illuminati; a collection of the smartest and most powerful heroes in the Marvel Universe. He had also built his own Hulkbuster armor, watched over an Infinity Gem, donned The Infinity Gauntlet, and fought Doctor Doom-who had the power of a God.

12. Black Panther is the first Black superhero. Created before any mainstream Black superhero. While he is technically not the first African-American superhero, he is the first African superhero due to his nationality. Then again, Wakanda is fictional.
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Merciful McFarlane!

Being a super-villain is like being a blogger. The most important thing you need to have is motivation. Whether it be money, notoriety, discussion, or to appease others. Some writers write to hurt people, these writers are called "A-holes". Most villains commit crimes to hurt people, they are called, well, "villains". But today we have a super-villain who thinks her method of hurting people is actually helpful. Today's Z-Lister is Mercy from Marvel Comics.

Mercy was created by Peter David and Todd "I Did Dah Spawn" McFarlane in 1987's "The Incredible Hulk #338". Originally known as Abigail Mercy Wright, Mercy follows The Joker method of origin stories. "If I'm going to have an origin story, I prefer it to be multiple choice". Mercy has claimed to be given superpowers through radiation treatments for brain cancer, but she has also claimed to be a biblical angel and/or an alien descendant. While she may not be open about her past she is very open about her goals. Mercy is on a mission to help people die. Allow me to elaborate. You see, Mercy believes she has her powers to help people in despair kill themselves because they are not brave enough to do it themselves. Sometimes this means using her ridiculous array of powers like flight, invisibility, intangibility, teleportation, shapeshifting, and telepathy, or it may just mean giving that extra push to some depressed person on a ledge or dropping that toaster in the bathtub or psychically guiding a comatosed person to the afterlife.

Naturally she became a foe for The Incredible Hulk. I mean, along with being the angriest person on Earth you gotta figure Bruce Banner isn't very happy. He can't get angry, he can't get injured, he can't go on roller coasters or see a scary movie, he can't eat spicy foods, he can't rub one out in the shower, and the poor bastard can't have sex! All because in the instant of a heart spike he goes from drip-of-water to a freaking tsunami in purple shorts. For all her powers, Mercy still could not kill-I'm sorry, I mean "help"-The Hulk. Yes, Bruce is miserable, but he isn't going to stop fighting. Bruce would rather be miserable and cursed by The Hulk for the rest of his life than be mercy killed. Pun intended.

Mercy's backstory and power-set don't exactly interest me, but her mission definitely caught my attention. Killing miserable people because they aren't brave enough to commit suicide. That's heavy. That's complex. That's evil, but in a condescending way. "Oh, you poor soul. I will help you pass on". It's very creepy especially when you consider how right she is. Not literally! If you're sad enough to die don't ask someone to kill you. Talk to your parents or a therapist or something. No, I mean how often the people she kills want to die. Like, either way it's bad, but imagine you're just in a bad mood and this chick just shows up and tries to kill you because she thinks you want to die. I guarantee you'd have a new lease on life and dial it back on complaining out loud. Overall, Mercy is a neat villain and her whole message really makes Hulk a better character too. Again, you figure how awful Bruce feels all the time, but he's still strong enough of a person to know suicide isn't the answer. Hulk isn't a very inspiring character, but the kind of message he sends by battling Mercy and her cause really sends a good moral to readers out there!

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No Time For Losers

Anyone else remember the Young Avengers? No? How about The New Warriors? Okay, other than that time they caused "Civil War". No? Avengers Academy? Sigh. You know despite The Marvel Universe housing the best and brightest of young superheroes, no team of plucky, young crime-fighters could ever reach the notoriety of DC's Teen Titans. Could be the lack of a cartoon. Well, Mark Waid is going to fix that and introduce you to the next generation of heroes. Gen 13? No? Alright, here's "The Champions" on Current Issues!

Writer: Mark Waid

Artists: Humberto Ramos, Victor Olazaba, Edgar Delgado

While The Avengers and The Defenders have been the gold and silver standard for Marvel superhero teams, there once existed a bronze standard called "The Champions". Put together in 1975 by Tony Isabella and Don Heck with no real structure in mind. Isabella simply like the characters of Iceman, Angel and Black Goliath, but the latter character was unavailable and Don Heck thought the team needed at least five members. So-keeping with the theme of having no theme-the team was comprised of former X-Men Iceman and Angel, Hercules The Greek Demigod, The Russian Spy and former Avenger Black Widow, and The Spirit of Vengeance known as The Ghost Rider. While the team had a three year run and were mentioned in other titles, they were otherwise forgotten by the comic book community. A new team of Champions was going to be introduced in 2007 as part of Marvel's "Initiative" event, but due to a trademark argument with Heroics Publishing, Marvel did not have the right to publish a comic with the name "The Champions". This resulted in a series renamed "The Order". By 2016, the trademark had reverted allowing Marvel to publish the name again, but rather than reviving the old team, Mark Waid expressed an interest in using the Champions name for a new team, a team that meant more for the Marvel superhero community.

Mark Waid's previous works include DC's Comic's "Kingdom Come", "52", and "Superman: Birthright" and Marvel's "Age of Apocalypse", "Avengers vs X-Men" and the most relevant title "All-New, All-Different Avengers". The latter Avengers title featured a team consisting of veteran Avengers Iron Man and The Vision, newly christened heroes Thor/Jane Foster and Captain America/Sam Wilson, and young heroes Miles Morales/Spider-Man, Kamala Khan/Ms. Marvel, and Sam Alexander/Nova. That title was, well, decent at best. The problem was that that title was caught up in so many Marvel events it didn't have a personality of it's own. Speaking of events,
"Civil War II" was A. a cash-in and B. an event where the superhero community was once again split. Split so badly Iron Man died and the general public feared superheroes once again. Oh, and Captain Marvel was made into kind of a b&$%#. It was after these events that Ms. Marvel, Nova, and Spider-Man left The Avengers, feeling that "the grown-ups" had lost their way. But when Ms. Marvel's superhero itch needed scratching, she and her friends said "screw it" and formed their own superhero team, one that would be different from The Avengers!

So. The team. Like I said Ms. Marvel is the real founder of the team. Which is good because Ms. Marvel is awesome. Not simply because she's a teenaged Muslim superhero, but also because she's like me! No, not a fat, white kid in a basement. She's a fan of Marvel superheroes. She knows the ins-and-outs of what superheroes do. And most importantly she knows what superheroes haven't been doing for the world. Also she has stretching powers. Oh, and she's an Inhuman, but she's not all up in your face about it. Miles Morales is a Spider-Man from another reality brought into ours. He's younger than Peter Parker obviously, but he can also turn invisible and stun people with a venomous touch. He's a voice of levity and realism as any good Spider-Man should be. Nova is pretty hostile, but he's also funny in a gullible way. He can fly, project energy blasts, and use his helmet to talk in any language. He's like a junior space cop. Amadeus Cho-The Totally Awesome Hulk-has been palling around superheroes for years, but has only recently become a Hulk. Luckily, he can control his anger and he's the eighth smartest person on the planet. Sadly, this also means he is stubborn, egotistical, and downright annoying. Nothing like his solo series where he's totally awesome. Viv Vision is the daughter of The Vision and the only living member of The Vision's family left. Won't spoil "The Vision" series for you. She has all of her dad's powers AND projects her own wifi signal. Won't lie, I think she's my favorite. Plus she's a robot-person so when she makes out with a boy (Hulk) for the first time she's like "I did not feel anything I was told I would feel. Perhaps another gender..." and Ms. Marvel's like "uh-uh". And then there's Cyclops. Poor Cyclops. This is of course the version of Scott Summers who was brought from the past to the present with the other original X-Men in 2011. Since his modern day counterpart was killed after doing some seriously bad stuff, our heroes are hesitant to recruit him. But Viv says the obvious, you can't hold someone accountable for something they "might" do. "Civil War II" was fought on that principle. So, the former X-Man is brought on and his natural leadership skills and overall stability as a person really surprises his teammates.

In issue #1 they stop a human trafficking ring, in issue #2 they sit around and talk about their powers which is more fun and interested than it sounds, trust me. In the most recent issue-issue #3- they go to the middle east to help these teenaged women rally against a group of mercenaries who are trying to keep the girls from reading and learning. No joke. This book gets topical. The leader of these women claims the men of the village don't want the women to learn and have been at odds with them. But if these American heroes are seen helping a group of middle eastern women it might send the wrong message. So the heroes help them in secret. And while the dispute isn't fixed in an instant, the heroes help the women at least make a strong step forward. Under the hashtag "#Champions" the team have their name and make an effect across the world. Young people around the planet support and follow what The Champions are doing for young people. The Champions are a voice that has been silenced in the midst of superhero battles and cosmic incursions.

I'm really happy with how this book is turning out. Yes, some characters can be annoying, but they're teenagers and they're all so different and the way Waid writes makes them feel organic. So it's actually good some of them are annoying. And while Ramos' art isn't very appealing on Hulk (he looks like an old man), other characters are colorful and expressive. All and all I think this title is what Marvel has been lacking. Not only is this a teenaged superhero team book, but its a book with a voice. A book where the heroes are saving the world in a different way. Waid really pours his heart into this title and I can't wait to see where it goes. Above any other Avengers title, Champions is the one to follow.
Thanks for reading.

Shazam Facts

Let's see how much of a Captain Marvel/Shazam Fan you are! Here are One Dozen Shazam Facts!

1. Captain Marvel was created by Bill Parker and C.C. Beck for Fawcett Comics in 1939 and for a brief time he was more popular than Superman. This is because his alter ego is a ten year old kid named Billy Batson. So a child who could turn into an adult hero appealed to children. His prototype names include Captain Billy, Captain Marvelous, and Captain Thunder.

2. In the 1950's, a British publication reprinted black-and-white issues of Captain Marvel's stories. But after a lawsuit, the British publisher had to recolor the book and rename the title character Marvelman. This character and his supporting characters were direct rip-off of The Marvel Family, and in 1963 writer Alan Moore created Miracleman. This character was based off Marvelman/Captain Marvel and was drastically darker than both characters.

3. DC Comics had sued Fawcett Comics in the 1950's over Captain Marvel being a copy of Superman. DC won the court case and Captain Marvel was cancelled. Fawcett Comics would also be put out of business years later. The rights to Captain Marvel would then be bought by DC Comics and the character/characters were integrated into the DC Universe.

4. During the time of Captain Marvel's cancellation, Marvel Comics created and published a character also named Captain Marvel. This Cap was a member of an alien military and would go on to inspire characters like Carol Danvers and Kamala Khan. Marvel did this to erase confusion by fans of Fawcett's Cap belonging to Marvel Comics. In 2011, DC Comics finally changed Captain Marvel's name to "Shazam" named after the Wizard who gave him his powers and the phrase Billy yells to become a hero.

5. The Marvel/Shazam Family includes Mary Marvel, Captain Marvel Junior, Uncle Marvel, Hoppy The Marvel Bunny, The Wizard Shazam, Black Adam, Isis, Thunder, Osiris, Sobek, Tawky Tawny, Fat Marvel, Tall Marvel, Hill Marvel, and three other uses of Cap's powers.

6. In Mark Waid and Alan Ross' "Kingdom Come", Captain Marvel is under the mind control of Lex Luthor. "Kingdom Come" takes place 50 years in the future and it is revealed Billy Batson grew up to look like Captain Marvel, so when Lex Luthor controls him he creates the illusion that Billy has his powers, but keeps him in his human form to control him.

7. The word "Shazam" is an anagram containing abilities of Greek/Roman Gods. "S" for the wisdom of Solomon, "H" for the strength of Hercules, "A" for the stamina of Atlas, "Z" for the power of Zues "A" for the courage of Achilles, "M" for the speed of Mercury. Black Adam's version of "Shazam" is drawn from Egyptian Gods and the villain Sabbac is empowered by demons.

8. Captain Marvel had once took the place of The Wizard, donning a white version of his costume. During that time, his former sidekick Captain Marvel Junior had become the new Captain Marvel.

9. Captain Marvel Junior's civilian identity is Freddy Freeman who is a child with a lame leg and crutches. To become Captain Marvel Junior, Freddy has to shout "Captain Marvel" instead of "Shazam". During his time on The Teen Titans he had a romance with Supergirl.

10. In the universe of "Flashpoint", Billy Batson and his foster siblings shout "Shazam" together to fuse into Captain Thunder. During a fight with that world's Wonder Woman, Cap is divided and Billy is murdered by Wonder Woman.

11. In the universe of "The Dark Knight Strikes Again", Billy Batson died of unspecified health issues, but had turned into Captain Marvel before dying. This made Captain Marvel a separate personality from Billy who had been around for eight years after Billy's death. After being forced to turn back into Billy, Cap is simply wiped out of existence. This version of Cap also worked for Lex Luthor.

12. In the New 52 version of Earth 3, the powers of Shazam are given to that world's Lex Luthor who becomes Mazahs and has a child with Earth 3's Wonder Woman.

Thanks for reading.

The Tale of Twin Tails

One of the most stressful parts about being a superhero is keeping your civilian identity a secret. For guys like Batman and The Flash it might easy with their cowls, but guys like Superman and Green Lantern leave little-and almost nothing-to the imagination. That's why today's Z-Lister is a cut above the rest. Today we talk about the twins who trade-off the moniker of The Crimson Fox.

Created by Keith Griffen and Bart Sears in 1989's "Justice League Europe #6", The Crimson Fox was a superhero persona used by a pair of French twin sisters named Vivian and Constance D'Aramis. The twins were born with enhanced speed and strength, but most importantly a control of pheromones. Using their knowledge and mastery of pheromones they opened a perfume company and used the finances to cover their superhero expenses. However, in order to keep themselves and The Crimson Fox away from speculators they agreed to fake Constance's death. Now while one of the sisters fought crime, the other would run the company. While nobody could tell the twins apart, readers could identify them by Vivian's most pronounced French accent. The Crimson Fox was enlisted onto the short-lived Justice League Europe and both fell in love with the hero Metamorpho, creating tension. It is assumed that Metamorpho-who's power is that he can transform/create any element on the periodic table-had a chemical compound that made him invulnerable to either sister's pheromone powers, thus creating actual attraction rather than manipulation.
During a fight with the villain Puanteur, Vivian was killed. With her sister murdered Constance regressed into a more feral state and developed enhanced senses. Sadly Constance would meet her fate at the hands of The Mist in an issue of "Starman". After the two sisters were murdered, Hal Jordan/The Green Lantern met a new Crimson Fox a few years later who had the exact same powers as the sisters. While her connection to the sisters is never revealed, this woman claims to be the heir to The D'Aramis Fortune.
The Crimson Fox is the beginning of an interesting concept. Twins who trade off being a superhero. That's not something you see a lot of. Usually, twins in comic books have powers that relate to each other so they can't be separated, but in this case it seems like the 1-in-a-million instance of twins having the same powers, but with no dependence. Either of them could have been The Crimson Fox. It's too bad this idea hasn't been reused because for as simple as The Crimson Fox is, she at least brought something to the table that made her stand out from the typical seduction super-woman. Maybe we'll see the likes of her again. Hopefully in a show that doesn't suck.
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Humor With Harm

With Marvel Studios being on a hype train that just can't stop, I wanted to play Daredevil's advocate by planting some potholes and speed bumps! For all their action, heart, and comedy, the MCU can house some pretty messed up one-liners that become easy to forget. So, here's The Panel Biter's Top 5 Worst Jokes in The MCU!

5. Peter Quill & The Pollock Painting

We all know Peter Quill to be a few things. A guardian, a dancer, a lovable goofball, but did you know he was a dabbler in 1940's art? In "Guardians of The Galaxy" our buddy Star-Lord invites Gamora, Rocket, Groot, and Drax into his ship "The Milano" (named after Chris Pratt's 1980's crush Alyssa Milano) and Gamora comments on how messy it is. Quill replies when she leaves the room that (read above). Jackson Pollock was an American artist who got his career rolling in 1943 with his piece "Mural". From then on Pollock became known for his art of "drip painting". That, and his reclusive, violent, alcoholic personality. Given his love for pop fiction and 80's trends I wouldn't think Quill as much of an art-buff. Then again, this is "drip painting" we're talking about and a guy might get lonely out in space. How many female aliens even have compatible parts? So yes, Peter Quill's walls are lined with semen. I guess I'm more surprised by his range.

4. Luis Loses Everything...But The Van

 "Ant-Man" was a film featuring many enjoyable characters. Sadly, not even Scott "I'm an okay Dad" Lang could steal our hearts like his buddy Luis. Luis helps Scott get a good heist, he helps Scott stop Darren Cross from manufacturing the Yellowjacket armor, and Luis even drives Scott home after Scott is released from prison. What's not heartwarming is what Luis says on the way, (read above). Okay, so a girlfriend breaking up with you isn't that bad. We've all been there. Many, many times. Oh, and your mom died. Okay, that's much worse. The death of a mother can be very heart-breaking. Just ask Cream-King up there. Hopefully you and your father can move on with-wait. Your dad got deported? Oh, wow. Well, it's not as bad as your mom, it's kind of just a cherry on the sad-cake. But you got the van? This is the saddest thing I've ever read. And I read "Of Mice & Men"! I mean, at least he's optimistic, there's a bright-side to everything. But to be dumped, lose your mom, and have your Dad kicked out of the country? That van better come with alcohol. Yo Pollock, get over here!

3. Statutory Stark

 One of my favorite scenes in "Avengers: Age of Ultron" was when The Avengers all sat around and tried to lift Thor's hammer, Mjolnir. Obviously, all those losers weren't as worthy as The Worthy Thor. Cap got close, but at least he has good behavior. Enter our friend Tony Stark. Given his backstory it's no surprise that he wouldn't be worthy. He drank himself silly, created his worst enemies, and was responsible for countless deaths at the hands of his own weapons. But he's still a superhero right? Should that not make up for his sins? Well, if it's not what Stark has done that makes him unworthy, it's what he says right before trying to lift the hammer, (read above). "Prima Nocta" for all you history fans was a law instated in kingdoms during The Dark Ages. It was a law stating noblemen were allowed to sleep with a woman on the night of their wedding before the newlywed husband of the woman could. So essentially what Tony is saying is that if he were to rule Asgard he would enforce the right to have sex with a woman on the night of her wedding. Feel that? That's "chill" going up your spine. Love this woman enough to marry her? Better hope Tony leaves her psychologically stable after he legally deflowers her. Then again, Tony was just joking around. Actually, the fact that most of his friends might not know what "prima nocta" means makes this joke even worse.

2. Failure To Smash

 "The Incredible Hulk" seems to be the black-sheep of Marvel's Phase One of films. Maybe it's the production by Universal Studios. Maybe it's Edward Norton being swapped out by Mark Ruffalo in "Avengers". Or maybe it's just because of a sad reality: Bruce Banner has the worst life ever. You see in the comics Bruce would turn into The Hulk when he got angry, but what later comics (and this film) did was establish Bruce's transformation was triggered by a high heart-rate. This meant if he got on a roller coaster or saw a scary movie his heart-rate could shoot up and, well, big guy! Sadly this also means he can't have sex (read above the scene above ends with his heart-monitor alerting him and he's sad because he can't have sex with Betty). So Bruce can never have sex. Not with his love Betty Ross, not with his fling Black Widow either. Unless he wants to either kill them or cripple them with his-ahem-"Hulkbuster". Come to think of it Bruce can't even relieve himself of sexual tension! Too many strokes and, well, big guy! Man, you know who would hate not being able to have sex or masturbate? Peter Quill. But seriously, Bruce Banner's life is a nightmare. A cold, dry, sexless nightmare.

1. Hawkeye's Accidental Precognition

Real quick: top right corner of that picture. Best face. Now then. Our last and worst entree is also from "Avengers: Age of Ultron" but at the end rather than the beginning. Full circle of awfulness. Throughout the film we see Hawkeye and Quicksilver have a bit of a rivalry. Clint is mature, precise, and powerless. Pietro is a young A-hole with super speed. So, Pietro has the edge. But at least Hawkeye can vent without letting anger get the best of him like "the big guy". See (read above)? He may be mad enough to threaten the guy's life but-oh. Oh my God. Did-did Hawkeye predict the future!? Quicksilver is killed by Ultron's minions only a few scenes later. Protecting Hawkeye no less! I knew Hawkeye was great at setting up shots, but damn! Making a joke about killing someone and then being the reason they get killed? Why is Scarlet Witch so chummy with this guy!? He's lucky nobody heard this "mere joke" or otherwise he'd be the only person signing The Sokovia Accords! Jesus, he even names his son "Pietro" to make up for it! What, you gonna joke about leaving that kid at Walmart and then let a Walmart sign fall on him!? It's like he was using his arrow to say, "Hey, Death? That guy". "That quick little bastard", the only bastard I see here is you Hawkeye! Even if you didn't assure an ironic death you still chose to name your son after a constant reminder of guilt! And that is why this-ladies and gentlemen-is the worst joke in Marvel Cinematic History.
Well, so far. "Guardians of The Galaxy Vol. 2" is right around the corner.
Thanks for reading!

Sabre Facts

Let's see how much of a Sabretooth Fan you are! Here are One Dozen Sabretooth Facts!

1. Sabretooth was originally a mutant villain created by Chris Claremont during his time writing "Iron Fist". When Iron Fist and Power Man were given a duo book, Sabretooth would return with a villain named The Constrictor as their respective arch-enemies. Sabretooth would later be pulled into Claremont's "X-Men" title.

2. Claremont had planned on Sabretooth being the father of Wolverine, which is why the two had a deep connection. However, this idea was scrapped. Additionally, in the 2005 series "Wolverine: Origin" it was revealed Wolverine had an older half-brother as a child named Dog. While similarities were made, it was revealed Sabretooth and Dog are not the same person. The only instance of Sabretooth and Wolverine being related was in the film, "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" where they are brothers. The current canon is that the two worked side-by-side on Weapon X.

3. Sabretooth is the only person who knows when Wolverine's birthday is. On that day, every year, Sabretooth will find Logan wherever he is and beat him nearly to death. He does this just to remind Logan he can.

4. Sabretooth once hired a telepathic mutant named Birdy to keep himself in check. Sabretooth had been suffering from unstable blood-lusts and asked Birdy to fill his mind with happy memories to block his savage tendencies. This allowed him to be a much more intelligent villain. In the arcade game "Marvel Vs Capcom 2" Sabretooth's winning animation shows him with Birdy.

5. These bouts of brutality are revealed to be triggered by memories of killing his own wife and a small child by the order of the CIA. Sabretooth also remembers every person he's ever killed. Once Professor X discovers this he begins to understand Sabretooth's hidden value for human life.

6. For a brief period, Sabretooth also had Adamantium bones. However, the villain Apocalypse had made Wolverine and Sabretooth fight for the right to be one of his Horsemen. Sabretooth lost the fight and his Adamantium was given to Wolverine-who had lost the portion inside his body at that time.

7. Sabretooth has had three children. All of whom have tried to kill him.

8. Along with Wolverine, The X-Men, Iron Fist, and The Heroes for Hire, Sabretooth has also come to serious blows with Spider-Man, Black Cat, and Black Panther.

9. Sabretooth was once Satan's personal attack dog while he was in Hell.

10. After the event "AXIS", Sabretooth's morality had been inverted by the battle between Scarlet Witch and The Red Skull. As a result, Sabretooth has sworn to do good and honor Wolverine's memory.

11. In the alternate reality of "Age of Apocalypse", Sabretooth/Victor Creed is a role model and teacher to young mutants. He teaches them ethics and is good friends with Wolverine. He also adopted a young mutant named Blink, is hinted to be the father of Nightcrawler, and joined a reality-hopping team called The Exiles.

12. In the film "X-Men" Sabretooth is played by Tyler Mane. Mane had been a professional wrestler for about ten years, competing in World Championship Wrestling (WCW) and The Universal Wrestling Federation (UWF). Under the name "Big Sky" he became the only UWF MGM Grand Champion.
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