After delving into the world of comic books for some twenty years, I've started to notice a common factor between all superheroes: not many of them can actually get drunk. I thought I'd break this pot-o-gold out now before everyone's too hammered or hung over to look at a computer screen. So lets just see how many of our favorite superheroes are sober by design.
We'll start with DC Comics characters, and more specifically The Justice League. Along with his toolbox of superpowers, Superman's healing factor makes it impossible for him to get drunk. In fact, he doesn't even have to eat to survive, he lives off of solar radiation and the only reason he eats and drinks in public is to blend into society. Batman can get drunk, but most of the time he avoids alcohol, swapping it out with apple juice at swanky public events. Probably to save Alfred the trouble of washing vomit out of the Batmobile. Wonder Woman is a demi-goddess, so she's magically immune to the effects of alcohol. Green Lantern-any of the five humans-can get drunk, seeing as how his powers only come from his Power Ring. Appropriate, seeing as how he is the "Green" Lantern. Aquaman can get drunk too, despite him being the King of Atlantis he is still half human, therefor drunk. The Martian Manhunter's healing factor is along Superman's, so he's staying sober. Now The Flash is a funny case, like Superman and the Martian Manhunter he has accelerated healing, but because he's still human it's possible for him to get drunk. His body burns through alcohol so fast he can't get drunk for even a second, so it takes a ridiculous amount of concentrated alcohol to get The Flash tipsy for a even a short time. Green Arrow can get drunk as quickly as Batman, seeing as how their both humans, I'm pretty sure Green Arrow is a lot less careful about that. Before we move on to The Avengers, I'd like you to imagine drunk Green Arrow struggling to load an arrow into his bow. Got it? You're welcome.
Now on with The Avengers, starting with Captain America who can't get drunk because of the super soldier serum given to him. Not too shocking really, Cap seems like way too nice of a guy to go on a bender. Iron Man.....okay, we all know Tony can get drunk. And he will. He always will. Bruce Banner is still human so I believe he can get drunk, but considering The Hulk could literally kill anything that breaths in his drunken rage might convince Banner not to take any shots. Thor can get drunk. I know he's a God, but he's also a boastful viking who's either eating, fighting, being a nice person, or drinking Satan under the table. Black Widow has a version of the super soldier serum in her as well, making her spring break-proof. Hawkeye falls in the same category as Green Arrow, drunkenly shooting limp arrows at cats. Wolverine can get drunk, but his healing factor makes it extremely difficult for him to lose his bearings. Spider-Man can get drunk, which I'd guess would result in Spidey swinging around a street lamp like a tether ball until he slowly slides down the pole and passes out in the street.
When the topic of alcohol comes up in comic books, it's either hilarious or problematic. We all know guys like Iron Man would proudly booze it up on Saint Patties, but he'd be one of the few. I guess the idea is that if superheroes are supposed to be role models, having them go on nightly bar hops would send the wrong message. That's why you never see Superman or Captain America crying about their parents and how hard it is being them, because seeing our heroes like that would be the equivalent to seeing them continuously fail at threading a needle. Well, unless we're talking about Batman in which case a drunken monologue about his dead parents is expected. Happy Saint Patrick's Day. Thanks for reading!
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Now on with The Avengers, starting with Captain America who can't get drunk because of the super soldier serum given to him. Not too shocking really, Cap seems like way too nice of a guy to go on a bender. Iron Man.....okay, we all know Tony can get drunk. And he will. He always will. Bruce Banner is still human so I believe he can get drunk, but considering The Hulk could literally kill anything that breaths in his drunken rage might convince Banner not to take any shots. Thor can get drunk. I know he's a God, but he's also a boastful viking who's either eating, fighting, being a nice person, or drinking Satan under the table. Black Widow has a version of the super soldier serum in her as well, making her spring break-proof. Hawkeye falls in the same category as Green Arrow, drunkenly shooting limp arrows at cats. Wolverine can get drunk, but his healing factor makes it extremely difficult for him to lose his bearings. Spider-Man can get drunk, which I'd guess would result in Spidey swinging around a street lamp like a tether ball until he slowly slides down the pole and passes out in the street.
When the topic of alcohol comes up in comic books, it's either hilarious or problematic. We all know guys like Iron Man would proudly booze it up on Saint Patties, but he'd be one of the few. I guess the idea is that if superheroes are supposed to be role models, having them go on nightly bar hops would send the wrong message. That's why you never see Superman or Captain America crying about their parents and how hard it is being them, because seeing our heroes like that would be the equivalent to seeing them continuously fail at threading a needle. Well, unless we're talking about Batman in which case a drunken monologue about his dead parents is expected. Happy Saint Patrick's Day. Thanks for reading!
Facebook: The Panel Biter
Twitter: @ThePanelBiter
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