Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Comic Books Are For Kids, Huh?

Do you like colorful action sequences between likable characters in an attempt to save the world from evil? Well too bad nancy-boy, this ain't the post for you! On this list we're counting down the worst of the worst comic book moments and exploring just how cynically hardcore these "children's books" can really be! Buckle up peaches, this is The Panel Biter's Top 5 WTF Comic Book Moments!

#5. The Ballad of Roy Harper
In 2005, the character of Roy Harper was starting to get his life back on track. He had a prior addiction to heroine, a falling out with his mentor Green Arrow and was solely responsible for his child Lian who's mother was the criminal assassin Cheshire. Just after joining the Justice League as Red Arrow and reestablishing himself among the superhero community a story called "Cry For Justice" tore Roy's life away. During this story the villain Prometheus cut off Roy's right arm with a poisoned blade, following that he had his minion The Electrocutioner blow up Star City, killing Roy's infant daughter. Although he was given a cybernetic limb to replace his arm, the combined pain of the poison and the death of his daughter forced Roy back into his drug addiction.

#4. Red Skull's Family Fatality
In Marvel's "Ultimate Comics" universe there was a version of The Red Skull who happen to be the illegitimate son of Captain America. He killed over 200 US soldiers, cut off his own face and assassinated JFK as a display of his Nazism. But here's another big one, Red Skull once forced a woman to kill her husband otherwise he'd kill their infant son, the woman used a rusty pair of scissors to murder her beloved husband before Red Skull decided to throw the baby out the window anyway. With both her husband and son dead, the woman was then sexually assaulted by The Red Skull's henchmen and left to wallow in agony.

#3. The Comedian's Show-Stopper
The Comedian was undoubtably the most unlikable character in "The Watchemen" comic book, being a lover of greed, violence and vulgarity. His constantly foul mouthed voice was only accompanied by blatant rudeness and the scent of alcohol and nicotine. One of his worst series of acts were his multiple attempts to rape fellow superhero, The Silk Spectre. However these assaults led to an affair between the two and The Silk Spectre's pregnancy was a result of The Comedian's violently sexual actions. Worse yet, The Comedian continued to work along side The Minutemen even after this covered-up act and even worked alongside his illegitimate daughter once she was of age to start fighting crime, with her being totally oblivious to their true relationship.

#2. The Color Purple....Man
Mind control can be a scary power to fight as most of the time it's used to collect followers and turn heroes evil, but Marvel took a more realistic approach to this power with The Purple Man. Early in his super-villain career, Zebediah Killgrave used his mind control powers to force a woman into marrying him and then impregnated her before she was free of his control. He does something similar to the superhero Jessica Jones/Jewel by hypnotizing her into living with him for eight months, physically, psychologically and sexually abusing her the entire time. And when The Purple Man finally lost his temper with the hero Daredevil, he forced Jewel to kill Daredevil which resulted in The Scarlet Witch putting Jewel in a coma.

#1. The Killing Joke
In one of his crowning criminal achievements, The Joker devised a plan to drive GCPD's Commissioner Gordon mad. The Joker broke into Gordon's home and shot his daughter Barbara-the retired Batgirl-in the spine, than as The Joker's henchmen carried Gordon away the Twisted Clown stripped the weakened Barbara naked and took several photos of her, revealed and in pain. The Joker had his minions strip Gordon and drag him through a fun house lined with the disturbing photos. Although Batman was able to save Gordon and arrest The Joker, Barbara would remain handicapped and haunted by The Joker's actions. And for the record, this book's writer Alan Moore has said multiple times that The Joker did not rape Barbara Gordon. Variant covers, gosh!

Comic books aren't just for kids, some of you know this by now. There are stories within these pages that should never be seen by the likes of children, its because of our changing world that these stories exist. They represent the darkness behind the curtains of our otherwise mundane world. So the next time someone teases you for liking comic books, tell them about the time The Red Skull ripped his own face off! Or ignore them, that usually works for me. Thanks for reading!

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