The Rantings Of A Panel Biter

Alright, this may sound shocking to all of you, but I need to admit it: There are some things in comic books I don't like. Gasp! What!? Oh, the humanity! My leg! I know, I know, total Game of Thrones-like twist. But yes readers, there are some characters, powers and ideas in comic books I just don't like. So let's talk about five of them, The Panel Biter's Top 5 Comic Book Gripes.

#5. Superhero Monikers

Did anyone else think it was stupid when Tim Drake went from being Robin to being Red Robin? Ignoring the obvious restaurant reference, Red Robin is a terrible name to by because it's literally one word away from being another character's name. Maybe I should blame Kingdom Come. Black Bat is kind of lazy, too. Scarlet Spider gets a pass because its more wordy than Spider-Man. Whether a character is connected to a preexisting character or original, it's important to take names into account, especially when putting them in the same universe as characters who already have a similar name. I'm looking at you Cyborg Superman. And that one X-Men "M". And enough with characters named Atom: The Atom, Captain Atom, Atom Smasher, Adam Strange, Black Adam...I'm losing track.

#4. Time Traveling

Do I really have to explain this? Time travel may come in handy if you're trying to make an interesting story, but when you start doing Reverse-Flash origins and rewriting the entire universe, that's when it starts getting hairy. Batman was a caveman and a pirate for crying out loud! I mean after the 60's X-Men were brought to the present you'd think they're would be more repercussions. Then some nerd with too much time on his hands draws a graph of time travel and, oh, that's me. I'm that guy. Time travel is confusing, especially when it pours into a couple other gripes on this list.

#3. Erasing Events

You know what was neat? When Barbara Gordon was still helping superheroes even after The Joker put her in a wheelchair. You know what was cool? When Spider-Man married MJ and started acting more like an adult. You know what was cool!? When Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver were the children of Magneto! Oh, what's that? You want to tell cool stories under different conditions. Well that's find we'll make them stories that happened before this and, oh, you're just going to ignore all this important stuff. I don't know if-wait, that character is supposed to be in a wheelchair. She recovered? What the hell do you mean "she recovered"? She was crippled! Retconning for the sake of freshness is an perfect way to piss off readers.

#2. Hero Fights

We've all asked "who would win a fight" before, right? Superhero A vs Superhero B, how entertaining. Under circumstances like mind control, differing ideals and alignment disruption, I can comply to the hero vs hero setup. But when one hero meets another hero and they fight out of miscommunication, it sucks. In the New 52's "Justice League", Superman attacks Batman because he thinks Batman is in cahoots with alien invaders. Yes Clark, this man in a silly bat costume is working with aliens. Not every alien looks like a human, you know! And Avengers vs X-Men? Mutant racism I understand, but mutant heroes and non-mutant heroes have worked together for decades without some big war happening like that. Cyclops is suddenly a testosterone-fueled anarchist just so The Avengers have an excuse to fight them. All that aside, a fighting game based on AVX would be dope.

#1. Resurrections

I don't know if I'm too far off by saying this, but EVERY comic book character has died and come back to life. Superman, Batman, Green Lantern, Martian Manhunter, Captain America, Thor, Hawkeye, Ant-Man, Nightcrawler, Phoenix, Wolverine, Spider-Man, Colossus, even Gwen Stacy! Alternate dimension be damned, they brought Gwen Stacy back to life. Jason Todd gets a pass, but hasn't the death of characters only made comics more interesting. Dick Grayson becomes Batman, Bucky becomes Captain America, Miles Morales becomes Spider-Man, the legacy of characters go on despite their death or rebirth. I know we're supposed to feel like comic books are timeless, but history is what makes these characters feel tangible. The reason Dick Grayson is my favorite character is because he got to age, evolve and not have to be worried about being resurrected or aged backwards. If comic book writers really want to undo death, be smart about it. Be aware of your playing field. But the way comic books work, nobody stays dead forever. Just until they're popular again.

I'm sure I have more gripes, but those are the cogs that grind my gears. I'm sure you have some grudges, right? Retcons and resurrections? Cancellations and rebrands? Seeing as how the X-Men movies are dealing with time travel and the Marvel movies have played the fake death card before, I can only assume the cinematic comic universes will become all the more loyal as time goes on. For better or worse. Thanks for reading!

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