The Tarnished Titans

I'm probably beating a dead Beta Ray Bill when I say this but, I hate "Teen Titans Go!". I've spit fire at this poor attempt at ratings before, but that was so long ago I think I have the right to come back and give both Teen Titans and it's horrible spin-off another look.

Now, let me level with you readers. You see I wasn't even a twinkle in my father's eye when "Batman: The Animated Series"-you know, the greatest cartoon adaptation of a comic book ever-first premiered. But when "Teen Titans" aired in 2003, I was a kid approaching his teenage years. Back then I loved superheroes, but I didn't have the comic book prowess I have now, I didn't know The Teen Titans were based off an actual comic book, I didn't know who Slade was, I didn't know Batman wasn't in the show because of licensing issues. All I knew was there were five starkly different teenage superheroes fighting bad guys, making jokes, and even teaching some clever lessons. If it weren't for this show peaking my interests, The Panel Biter might not even exist. People who do what I do online are usually older and they have a better memory of older comic book cartoons. This cartoon was my source of entertainment in the same way older folks gushed about BTAS. And when the show ended after five seasons, I was understandably bummed. Luckily, "Young Justice" raised the bar later on and further caught my eye. But Teen Titans and Young Justice were both put to rest when "Teen Titans Go" premiered. But let me praise the original show a little more.

Robin/Dick Grayson is my favorite comic book character, and I have this show to thank for that. Robin was always so cool and level-headed, he joked around too but you could see why he was the leader. Just because Batman couldn't be used doesn't mean they didn't reference the hell out of him, as well as other Batman characters. And with Robin's fear of failure often reflecting his own training under Batman, it made his independence all the more enjoyable. Cyborg seemed like the big brother of the team. You can see the tragedy in his background, especially when he delves into his connection with machinery, and he was often used for touching scenes of not only being the center of "humanity vs programming" plots, but also carrying subplots of disability and racism. Beast Boy was the comedy kid of the team, but his non-serious nature was reflective of his life before the Teen Titans. Sure he's the comic relief, but Beast Boy was always meant to cheer people up in his own weird way. Starfire was the foreign character, unaccustomed to the ways humans interact. She was usually comedic in her misunderstandings, and part of what made her interesting was her alien emotional process. When a member of her alien race feels an emotion, they feel it fully. She can be described as the glue of the team. Raven was the breakout character for many viewers. She was clearly a goth-aligory, devoid of emotions for a long time because her powers are driven by emotions. When Raven smiled-which was rare-it let viewers know that beneath her dower nature she was happy to be with her friends. Her father was also Trigon-DC Comic's Satan character-and part of her struggle was accepting his eventual attack. I won't go too far on Slade, but he was the Teen Titan's main villain and lighter version of Deathstroke. Slade represented authority, and the dark, cruel, mature reality beyond the innocence and righteousness of young heroism. He was everything The Teen Titans refused to become.

And now we must revisit "Teen Titans Go!". People like me who hate this show must often wonder how it got Batman cameos, the slot "Young Justice" had, and three whole seasons. Well, the show started as "The New Teen Titans", short little animations in chibi-style played before the other comic book cartoons. The shorts were so popular they spawned this disgusting program. I can't even write it off as a show "not meant for me" because even as an older brother I criticize my brother for watching this show. He is about the age I was when the original show was on and I've made attempts to show him the real "Teen Titans" cartoon, sure enough liked the old one better. You know why? Because the old show didn't treat its viewers like mindless idiots. It was a kids show that subliminally taught viewers right from wrong, it was a show that didn't insult the viewers intelligence and wasn't afraid to be dark when it needed to be. Having this "new, hip and popular" show cram loud, unfunny jokes down people's throats doesn't make it funny, it makes it desperate. There was an episode where Cyborg and Beast Boy just said "waffles" for the entire episode. The entire goddamn, flim-flammin', eye-gouging episode! The writers of the new show claim they never watched an episode of the old series-first mistake-but that had to be a lie because one episode is about Cyborg and Beast Boy going to the future and seeing the other Titans with much different lives. There was an episode of the old show where Starfire does the same and the other character's futures suck because Starfire's disappearance caused them to drift apart. See that? Story. Consequence. Creative thinking that isn't squandered by episodes of one-worded songs or offensive betrays and exaggerations of characters we loved from the old show. As if that wasn't enough, the writers brought in characters from "Young Justice" just to piss all over their smart and entertaining show! It's like the writers of this show were so in love with themselves and their stupid flash animation of bright colors and loud sounds that they just wanted to bitch-slap the fans of the older series who busted the new show's balls online. "You're all just mad because our show sells better than your old shows. It's cheaper, faster, and takes a lot less thinking". And you know why Cartoon Network won't take this down, do you know why DC Comic's Animation department loves to shove this show in our faces? It's because it is easy to make. It's because all of DC's TV people focus more on the live action DC shows than the animated, that's why "Teen Titans Go!" is the only DC cartoon on TV. It sells toys, it shuts kids up with sounds more annoying than The Annoying Orange. This show has no character, no love, no effort into making anything of value and all it will be remembered for in the future is how much of a sick embarrassment it is to the fans of the old show. People like me who followed the show, were driven to comic books by the show, and shape their critical viewpoints because of the show will look down at this offensive imitation and weep over it's poisoning of young minds. And when those writers lose their cash-cow, when they lose all hopes of finding other shows to ruin, when they hang off the steep ledge that the original show stands on proudly, they will look to people like you and I and they will plead for more work. And we will whisper, "No".

Thanks for reading.

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