Spider-Man, Ultimate Spider-Man, Spider-Man 2099, Spider-Woman, Spider-Gwen, Spider-Spider-Spider-Spider! There are too many Spider-people in Marvel Comics! I suggest a Spider-Genocide! A "Spider-cide", if you you will. Wait, that's a character. But not today's character! Today's Z-Lister is one of the only Spider-folk I can bear to keep, The Spectacular Spider-Ham!
(And yes, his nostrils have lenses)
In 1983, writer Tom DeFalco wrote "Marvel Tails #1" starring Spider-Ham. As his epic origin tells us, Spider-Ham was originally a spider named Peter living in the basement of a scientist on an Earth populated by cartoon-like animals. This scientist was a pig named May Porker who was testing an atomic hairdryer, sure to revolutionize the haircare industry. Testing this hair dryer radiated May and caused her to become so delusional she bit Peter the spider. Peter the spider turned into Peter the pig and ran off to discover that even though the radiation turned him into a pig like May, he retained his spider abilities, mainly his strength, speed and wall clinging powers. He had also absorbed May Porker's intelligence which helped him create a costume and web-slingers, but by absorbing the smarts of a disoriented May Porker, the old scientist became senile and believed Peter was her niece. So, Peter became Peter Porker, the loving nephew of May Porker and when he wasn't at school or taking photos for The Daily Beagle, Peter Porker fought crime as The Amazing Spider-Ham! Conveniently, there is an alternate origin to the character that is pretty much the same as Spider-Man's origin.
In his adventures through "Marvel Tails" and "Peter Porker: The Spectacular Spider-Ham", Spider-Ham meets other animal characters like Captain Americat, Hulk-Bunny, Goose Rider, The Fantastic Fur, and Deerdevil. He fights villains like Doctor Octopussy Cat, Ducktor Doom, King-Pig, Hobgobbler, Raven The Hunter and many other enemies. He even fought Hogzilla, a pig version of Godzilla!
Spider-Ham accidentally warped into the universe of Marvel Zombies, than he was zombified, than he was shot and killed by Ultron, but than he became Ham-ibal Lecter. It was weird. A better universe jump was when he teamed up with Spider-Men from across the multiverse and fought soul vampires. Cooler in prospect. Spider-Ham is set to appear next to Spider-Gwen, Spider-Man UK and many others on The Web Warriors, spider-themed heroes from all over committed to protecting the multiverse. Again.
It should come as no surprise that I love Spider-Ham. He is ridiculous, he is a satire, he is simply an incredibly awesome idea for anything ever. I'm glad he's appearing in more comics and even in some cartoons and video games, Spider-Ham may be a bit bizarre, but similar to DC's Captain Carrot he seems like a character writers could really do some smart things with. It if were up to me, I'd set Spider-Ham up with a solo comic, based in an updated version of his animal-infested world. Along with fighting animal villains like before, he could meet actual human characters who have animal counterparts in the main Marvel Universe, like Howard the Human standing in for Howard the Duck or Rocky Racker standing in for Rocket Raccoon. And Groot could still be Groot, but have antlers like a moose. Oh, and Daredevil can be a blind mouse! I should stop before I get kidnapped by Dan Slott.
Thanks for reading!
Oh! And The Winter Soldier could be a kitty cat named The Litter Soldier!
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