Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Spider-Flunkies

Now look, I'm excited about Spider-Man and all his friends and villains coming to the MCU too. But I think before we all start shouting which villains we want to see we should establish which Spider-Man villains aren't even worth a namedrop. Because trust me. It gets worse than Shocker. Here's The Panel Biter's Top 5 Worst Spider-Man Villains!

5. Carrion
There have four versions of this guy, but the original Carrion was a clone of Miles Warren AKA The Jackal. The Jackal-reminder-was the guy who made "The Clone Saga" a thing. "The Clone Saga"-reminder-was an event that lasted way too long and was constantly changed due to fan complaints. But if being connected to one of the worst comic book events in history doesn't make this guy the worst, it's his relation to The Jackal. While it's very obvious a scientist in cloning would make a clone of himself, this guy doesn't really do anything important. The fact that this guy can only be A. a clone of an annoying villain or B. a clone with no interesting characteristics, makes him incredibly forgettable. And when you consider how far Spider-Man's clones made it on their own it only makes the successor to The Jackal an even weaker villain.

4. The Answer
Ever wonder what The Riddler would look like inside-out? Well, that's gross. Oh, and this is The Answer. So, this guy used to be a Las Vegas hitman who was given powers by HYDRA. What kind of powers? Well, his body can adapt to any situation (like Darwin from The X-Men) and essentially he is the "answer" to any opponent. He fights Spider-Man first by studying him and then adapting to match him powers. You would think a guy with powers like this would be super-useful, but by the look of his costume and the sheer groaning of his overall theme, he's too silly to have the powers he has. Again, adapting to any problem is a cool power, but I'm a "character" guy. Cool powers are only impressive until you realize the person who has them is a blank board. If this guy was as powerful as he should be he'd be fighting-oh, I don't know-more than one superhero at a time! How about answering how super-villains could take over the world, huh? Cause a little "Old Man Logan"? No? Fine.

3. Overdrive
Overdrive is one of the greatest getaway drivers in the world. By using some kind of nano-technology he can hijack and enhance the mobility of vehicles. So he's just a really good driver and a really good car thief. Should be cool. You know, if he wasn't fighting guys like Spider-Man and Black Panther! Seriously, once you factor in how many superheroes can fly this guy's powers become laughable. And his design is so easy a guy without a driver's license could pull it off. He just looks like a biker, and ironically all he does is drive. That's not super useful unless you're robbing banks or you're invited to the next Whacky Race World. This guy was on a version of The Sinister Six where they were so bad they couldn't find a sixth member. That's how lame this guy is. Making vehicles better is an okay power, but if I try hard enough I could go out and just steal a car (not going to, please don't arrest me). This guy is the equivalent to a villain who carries a pistol and calls himself "Shooter".

2. Typeface
 So this guy was a U.S. Army soldier who's brother died in the war, when he got home his wife and son left him and all he had left was a job making signs. Then some company bought the business he was working for and laid him off. So he began looking for other work opportunities and helping the communi-hahaha! Nah, he became a super-villain. He crafted weapons based off letters and painted letters all over his face and-as Typeface-swore revenge on the guy who took his job. This guy uses the alphabet to kill people. He's like The Punisher mixed with Sesame Street. He has no powers, an obsession with words, it's like The Riddler wasn't enough to rip-off so they used Calendar Man too! Typeface actually became an anti-hero too. That's just silly. I mean divorce and unemployment and the loss of a family member can all be tragic at once, but honestly I think becoming a run-of-the-mill serial killer would have been less embarrassing than painting letters on yourself like some college sorority girl on initiation night.

1. The Judas Traveler
The Judas Traveler is the worst Spider-Man villain ever. When he shows up, he's some mysterious immortal with magical powers. Powers that are oddly specific to any situation. It's like he was written for every scenario, like he has new powers whenever he needs to have new powers. And that's because that's exactly how he was written. Writer Glenn Greenberg admitted that Judas Traveler was a "dues ex machina". He said "No one – not the writers, not the editors – seemed to know who or what the heck Judas Traveler was. He was seemingly this immensely powerful, quasi-mystical being with amazing abilities, but what was the real deal with him? But to be honest, a character like Traveler didn't really fit into Spider-Man's world". Judas Traveler's whole gimmick was researching the idea of "evil" and what it meant. Which sounds cool, but wasn't. He would test Spider-Man over and over and be too powerful to stop. Until it was revealed everything Judas Traveler knew about himself was a lie. His life, his powers, his motivations, were all a lie. Apparently he was a criminal psychologist with a dormant mutant gene which made people-and himself-believe what he wanted them to believe. All his powers? Illusions even to himself. His history as an immortal traveler? Made up. His minions and followers? Unintentionally brain-washed. The writers created this guy just to be a scapegoat, a no-named threat that could be responsible for explainable events. He is a character created from sheer lack of effort who vanished just as he appeared: Without a goddamn trace.
Thanks for reading!
Who's the worst Spider-Man villain? Comment below or on The Panel Biter Facebook!

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