Decking DC's Halls

As a fan of the DC Universe, I have decided to spend my life savings buying for my favorite DC heroes! Maybe that will get me a Justice League membership card. To be honest I just want the dental benefits.

Superman/Clark Kent: A set of shaving blades laced with a Kryptonite gel. Superman normally shaves by burning his facial hair off with mirror-bounced heat vision. So getting him a razor with only a small amount of Kryptonite would make the whole process quicker and easier.

Batman/Bruce Wayne: Parents. HAHAHA. But seriously I'd buy him one full-package spa day. Just one day where Batman relax and get rejuvenated. He's got enough kids to watch Gotham while he takes a mud bath. Still wearing the cowl, of course.

Wonder Woman/Diana: I'm awful at buying for women, but Wondie seems like she'd appreciate a good book. Get a better understanding of mortal history and fiction. So I'd buy her a Kindle, hopefully she doesn't break it.

The Flash/Barry Allen: Enough Legos to build a house. Imagine how much fun that could be! To be the fastest man alive AND smart enough to build whatever structure you can imagine out of plastic blocks. I think that would really tap into Barry's inner child.

Green Lantern/Hal Jordan: I'm not much of a DIY guy, but if I could find away to convert that hunky, metal Power Battery-which is the size of an old fashioned lantern-into the size of a phone charger Hal could charge his Power Ring on the go with ease.

Aquaman/Arthur Curry: What do you get a King? Something significant. Something that represents the connection between the surface and the ocean. I'd get him a pool noodle or a pool float. A talking bass or fishing rod might be disrespectful, but a fun pool toy shows that humans enjoy the sea as much as Atlanteans do.

Martian Manhunter: A years supply of Choco Cookies. Chocos are basically DC's version of Oreos and The Martian Manhunter has an unhealthy addiction to them. Does that make me an enabler?

Cyborg/Victor Stone: The latest Madden video game. Cyborg is a young adult, right out of high school, former football player. He would enjoy simulating his former football career. Plus he could just download it on himself and I won't have to buy him a gaming console.

Green Arrow/Oliver Queen: Oh, maybe one of those deer hunting shooter games you see in arcades? Some kind of old arcade game he could practice his shooting on. It would be great for his man-cave. Arrow-cave. Quiver?

Shazam/Billy Batson: Boxers, Socks, and T-Shirts. Here me out. Billy Batson is still a kid and I strongly believe spoiling a kid with superpowers will only hinder their maturing. If this kid gets lackluster gifts for Christmas as a child, it will only mean future Christmas Days will only go up. Plus, all these experienced superheroes deserve great gifts, Billy still needs to learn the value of clothing.

Nightwing/Dick Grayson: A plush Robin. Like, a doll based on him as a Robin. I think he'd find it cute. Just a chibi Robin plush. Pretty sure "Teen Titans Go" has plush figures.

Power Girl/Karen Starr: A sweater. Like, a thick sweater. Covers up the cleavage.

Booster Gold: A personal hygiene specialist. Think how much more advertising Booster could do if he was as clean, as handsome, and as good smelling as he could be. You'd think being from the future would be appealing enough, but cleanliness is a big attraction for people.

Harley Quinn: A new mallet with a hollowed head. Inside the hollowed head would be some holiday treats. Chocolate and peppermint and gummy candy. She seems like she has a sweet tooth. Like, that's her problem. She's not insane, she's not fractured, she just has a sweet tooth.

John Constantine: A box of smokes. A case of cigars. A 48 pack of beer. A bottle of whisky. Have fun you crazy brit.

Thanks for reading. And Merry Christmas to The DC Universe.