Humor With Harm

With Marvel Studios being on a hype train that just can't stop, I wanted to play Daredevil's advocate by planting some potholes and speed bumps! For all their action, heart, and comedy, the MCU can house some pretty messed up one-liners that become easy to forget. So, here's The Panel Biter's Top 5 Worst Jokes in The MCU!

5. Peter Quill & The Pollock Painting

We all know Peter Quill to be a few things. A guardian, a dancer, a lovable goofball, but did you know he was a dabbler in 1940's art? In "Guardians of The Galaxy" our buddy Star-Lord invites Gamora, Rocket, Groot, and Drax into his ship "The Milano" (named after Chris Pratt's 1980's crush Alyssa Milano) and Gamora comments on how messy it is. Quill replies when she leaves the room that (read above). Jackson Pollock was an American artist who got his career rolling in 1943 with his piece "Mural". From then on Pollock became known for his art of "drip painting". That, and his reclusive, violent, alcoholic personality. Given his love for pop fiction and 80's trends I wouldn't think Quill as much of an art-buff. Then again, this is "drip painting" we're talking about and a guy might get lonely out in space. How many female aliens even have compatible parts? So yes, Peter Quill's walls are lined with semen. I guess I'm more surprised by his range.

4. Luis Loses Everything...But The Van

 "Ant-Man" was a film featuring many enjoyable characters. Sadly, not even Scott "I'm an okay Dad" Lang could steal our hearts like his buddy Luis. Luis helps Scott get a good heist, he helps Scott stop Darren Cross from manufacturing the Yellowjacket armor, and Luis even drives Scott home after Scott is released from prison. What's not heartwarming is what Luis says on the way, (read above). Okay, so a girlfriend breaking up with you isn't that bad. We've all been there. Many, many times. Oh, and your mom died. Okay, that's much worse. The death of a mother can be very heart-breaking. Just ask Cream-King up there. Hopefully you and your father can move on with-wait. Your dad got deported? Oh, wow. Well, it's not as bad as your mom, it's kind of just a cherry on the sad-cake. But you got the van? This is the saddest thing I've ever read. And I read "Of Mice & Men"! I mean, at least he's optimistic, there's a bright-side to everything. But to be dumped, lose your mom, and have your Dad kicked out of the country? That van better come with alcohol. Yo Pollock, get over here!

3. Statutory Stark

 One of my favorite scenes in "Avengers: Age of Ultron" was when The Avengers all sat around and tried to lift Thor's hammer, Mjolnir. Obviously, all those losers weren't as worthy as The Worthy Thor. Cap got close, but at least he has good behavior. Enter our friend Tony Stark. Given his backstory it's no surprise that he wouldn't be worthy. He drank himself silly, created his worst enemies, and was responsible for countless deaths at the hands of his own weapons. But he's still a superhero right? Should that not make up for his sins? Well, if it's not what Stark has done that makes him unworthy, it's what he says right before trying to lift the hammer, (read above). "Prima Nocta" for all you history fans was a law instated in kingdoms during The Dark Ages. It was a law stating noblemen were allowed to sleep with a woman on the night of their wedding before the newlywed husband of the woman could. So essentially what Tony is saying is that if he were to rule Asgard he would enforce the right to have sex with a woman on the night of her wedding. Feel that? That's "chill" going up your spine. Love this woman enough to marry her? Better hope Tony leaves her psychologically stable after he legally deflowers her. Then again, Tony was just joking around. Actually, the fact that most of his friends might not know what "prima nocta" means makes this joke even worse.

2. Failure To Smash

 "The Incredible Hulk" seems to be the black-sheep of Marvel's Phase One of films. Maybe it's the production by Universal Studios. Maybe it's Edward Norton being swapped out by Mark Ruffalo in "Avengers". Or maybe it's just because of a sad reality: Bruce Banner has the worst life ever. You see in the comics Bruce would turn into The Hulk when he got angry, but what later comics (and this film) did was establish Bruce's transformation was triggered by a high heart-rate. This meant if he got on a roller coaster or saw a scary movie his heart-rate could shoot up and, well, big guy! Sadly this also means he can't have sex (read above the scene above ends with his heart-monitor alerting him and he's sad because he can't have sex with Betty). So Bruce can never have sex. Not with his love Betty Ross, not with his fling Black Widow either. Unless he wants to either kill them or cripple them with his-ahem-"Hulkbuster". Come to think of it Bruce can't even relieve himself of sexual tension! Too many strokes and, well, big guy! Man, you know who would hate not being able to have sex or masturbate? Peter Quill. But seriously, Bruce Banner's life is a nightmare. A cold, dry, sexless nightmare.

1. Hawkeye's Accidental Precognition

Real quick: top right corner of that picture. Best face. Now then. Our last and worst entree is also from "Avengers: Age of Ultron" but at the end rather than the beginning. Full circle of awfulness. Throughout the film we see Hawkeye and Quicksilver have a bit of a rivalry. Clint is mature, precise, and powerless. Pietro is a young A-hole with super speed. So, Pietro has the edge. But at least Hawkeye can vent without letting anger get the best of him like "the big guy". See (read above)? He may be mad enough to threaten the guy's life but-oh. Oh my God. Did-did Hawkeye predict the future!? Quicksilver is killed by Ultron's minions only a few scenes later. Protecting Hawkeye no less! I knew Hawkeye was great at setting up shots, but damn! Making a joke about killing someone and then being the reason they get killed? Why is Scarlet Witch so chummy with this guy!? He's lucky nobody heard this "mere joke" or otherwise he'd be the only person signing The Sokovia Accords! Jesus, he even names his son "Pietro" to make up for it! What, you gonna joke about leaving that kid at Walmart and then let a Walmart sign fall on him!? It's like he was using his arrow to say, "Hey, Death? That guy". "That quick little bastard", the only bastard I see here is you Hawkeye! Even if you didn't assure an ironic death you still chose to name your son after a constant reminder of guilt! And that is why this-ladies and gentlemen-is the worst joke in Marvel Cinematic History.
Well, so far. "Guardians of The Galaxy Vol. 2" is right around the corner.
Thanks for reading!