Too Lame To Die

Not every member of The Suicide Squad is a Hot Topic wardrobe waiting to happen. Some Squadlings are below the rest. Here are The Panel Biter's Top 10 Weirdest Suicide Squad Members.

10. Chemo

As if it weren't obvious, Chemo is a giant monster made out of chemical waste. Every time I've seen this guy he's either trashing a city or being punched by someone smaller and stronger than him, but it's hard to imagine him being on Amanda Waller's prisoner list. I mean this guy literally oozes toxic chemicals, it has to be impossible to put him in a cell let alone put a bomb in his head. The only reason he's number ten is because Chemo makes a great Hail Mary Play. A giant radioactive monster? Great distraction. And just the fact that Waller got him is pretty impressive. The US government has nukes, she has Chemo.

9. Multi-Man 

Here's another odd ball. Multi-Man has the ability to achieve a new superpower every time he dies. Like the power of thigh waxing. Or the immunity to hair growth. Like I'm not one to talk. Seriously though, every time he dies-whether it be murder or suicide (wink)-he comes back to life with a different superpower. That's a pretty awesome power when you think about it. He can't really die, and if you kill him you won't know what to expect when he's revived. It's like he's a Swiss-Army Knife version Kenny from South Park. Swiss-Army-Kenny. Truly a wild card for Waller's deck. Ooh, a Suicide Squad cardgame? I think I have a Pitch-It to work on!

8. Sportsmaster

Okay, you might have actually seen this guy. On "Young Justice" The Sportsmaster was the father of Artemis and a sports-themed mercenary. He was like a Blue Collar Deathstroke! And yeah he was pretty cool, but he was only that cool because the writers of that show had to do something to this lame as a limp shrimp loser! Sports equipment used by Sporty include baseball bats, Olympic javelins and shot put balls, tennis rackets, golf clubs, and even-perish the thought-twin pistols. Well, archery is a sport and his daughter in "Young Justice" was a sidekick of Green Arrow so it would make total sense to make him a Green Arrow villain, right? What? Green Lantern!? Wait, Golden Age Green Lantern!? With the magic ring!? Batting above his weight class, huh? Casey Jones would love this guy.

7. Javelin

Remember how I mentioned Sportsmaster used javelins sometimes? Imagine if that's all he had. Enter Javelin. He uses javelins. He eats, sleeps, breaths, and bathes in javelins. He isn't proficient in any other form of combat except for the use of javelins. You know, I'd call this guy a useless version of Captain Boomerang, but Captain Boomerang is already pretty useless. Honestly, if you have Deadshot-who ultimately is still a guy with guns-you don't really need guys with specific throwing tools. This German Booster Gold cosplayer has javelins that are special made to house explosives and electricity generators and toxic liquids and many more goodies. These javelins can also be extended from a baton-size to a full staff. Actually, if Red Robin passively mentioned getting his bo staff technology from this guy he might have been number eight.

6. Slipknot

He can climb anything. He can climb. Any. Thing. Superman? He can climb that. The mountain high enough? He can climb that. That other mountain that you'll always wanna make move? You betcha he can climb that. Slipknot is the villain of Firestorm, a hero who can rearrange molecules and turn dirt into diamond and water into liquid nitrogen. What can Slipknot do to defend himself from being turned into a velvet rug? He can climb anything-as we established-and he has unbreakable ropes. Okay, I guess having an unbreakable weapon-specific as it is to be proficient in ropes-could be useful. I mean they aren't boomerangs or javelins, but I guess-wait. His ropes are unbreakable because he drenches them in a liquid that makes them unbreakable. Dude! Just soak some armor in that stuff! Or- hell, if it ain't poisonous-dip yourself in it, moron! Of all the tools, weapons, and equipment you can make last forever without a chance of breaking you pick a rope! Christ, if it wasn't your unbreakable bondage gear that made me hate your Brazzers-membership ass it's those holes in your suit. What, you get sweat armpits or something!? Join the club, Cliffhanger!

5. The Penguin

Why did Amanda Waller recruit The Penguin? He's The Penguin. Even Batman doesn't bother with The Penguin. When he isn't strapping bombs to the backs of penguins he's just lounging around in his Iceberg Lounge. Is it the trick umbrellas? They better be unbreakable, that's all I'm saying. Maybe it's The Penguin's fortune. His family was among the elites of Gotham City, just like the Wayne Family. Then again Penguin loses that money a lot on account of all those penguin-related crimes of his. Plus, Task Force X is already funded by the U.S. government. Hmm. Maybe it's his connections to the criminal underworld. He can get Waller into places too dirty for even Mr. Sweaty-Pits to climb into. Then again (again) I don't think you'd need to recruit this guy or stick a bomb in his head to get that passage. Maybe pay him or erase his record or threaten to blow his head up later. In fact, The Suicide Squad gets his help in "Batman: Assault on Arkham" without having to even recruit him. You remember that animated movie, right? The only Suicide Squad film worth watching?

4. Twister

Is she considered art? Like, I know she's a drawing already, but given her-you know-I find her reminiscent of one of those weirdly-faced painting those Italian guys would create. This Match.com member is Twister and she used to be the loyal disciple of Brother Blood. Maybe too loyal. You may remember Brother Blood from that "Teen Titans" cartoon as some twisted (sorry) school teacher, but in the comics he was a cult leader. Brother Blood fooled Twister into believing he loved her and experimented on her, giving her psychic powers. Unfortunately, a side-effect of the experiments left her mind as twisted as her face. Which is to say "Damn, girl! You got a twisted-ass face". At least she wasn't born like that, more a chance she has usable profile pictures. Twister was ultimately left for dead by Brother Blood-like a Brother do-and she was picked up by Waller. I guess having psychic powers can be pretty useful. "Pretty" being used lightly.

3. James Gordon Jr.

Don't adjust your reading-balls, this is-in fact-the son of Commissioner James Gordon. See, while Barbara Gordon would have a terrific career as Batgirl and Oracle, her brother's history is a bit more disturbing. More disturbing than being shot and stripped by The Joker? Maybe not that disturbing. In Frank Millar's "Batman: Year One", a criminal uses James as a hostage when he is only a few weeks old. Jim Gordon tries to grab his son back, but he only sends the baby and the criminal toppling down the side of a bridge. Batman saves James Jr., but in later stories it's revealed James Jr. never really psychologically recovered. Even though he was only a few weeks old so that trauma wouldn't really register for him. As a young adult James became a serial killer and a constant threat to his own family. When he joined The Suicide Squad as a consultant he was treated like a free-to-roam Hannibal Lector. Oh, and he was in love with Amanda Waller. Much to her disturbance. Not because he was a psychopathic serial killer who dismembered a childhood bully of his and hid him in his basement. No, she was disturbed because he was way to young for her. On a lighter note, his sister Barbara would also assist the Suicide Squad after she became the crippled superhero-help-line Oracle. Wait, a crippled assault-victim helping a government black-ops team with "Suicide" in it's name. Maybe that's not as bright as I'd like to be.

2. The Joker's Daughter

You know, I used to think Harley Quinn was a useless member of The Suicide Squad. She doesn't have any powers, she can do stuff with guns and melee weapons that any trained soldier can do. Yeah she's a gymnast and a psychologist, but I've realized her true superpower is actually a power that Dick Grayson had when he was Robin. She's a brightly colored, loud-mouthed living target that can't be hit. She's a distraction with an attractive figure and a lot to say and I guess that can help in certain situations. The Joker's Daughter, on the other hand, is useless. Completely useless. I've complained about this Harley Quinn rough draft before, but the fact that she was put on a Suicide Squad with Harley Quinn-who is just doing what she does but better-is freaking ridiculous. And good god is she inconsistent! One week she's a tech wiz, next week she can cast resurrection rituals, the week after that she has Joker Toxin. And you would think being "the daughter of The Joker" would mean she'd obsess over Harley Quinn, but no she's just jealous someone older, hotter, and more relevant is already doing her bit. And yeah, putting a psychiatrist in the middle of a war field is pretty dumb, but putting a teenage cosplayer out there is just damn stupid. I mean, is Amanda Waller trying to get this 60's concept that should have died in the 60's killed? If she is, Amanda Waller may be the greatest superhero in the DC Universe.

1. The Writer

Grant Morrison. The writer of the 2000 run of "X-Men", "Batman RIP", "Multiversity" and much, much more, is a member of The Suicide Squad under the alias of "The Writer". The Writer first appears in Morrison's run on "Animal Man" in the late 80's as the physical representation of Morrison himself. See, a bunch of a awful stuff had been happening to Animal Man so he tracked down the person responsible and found The Writer. According to The Writer, Animal Man is fictional and is being read by people across the real world and his life had to be ruined in order for the book to be more interesting. Animal Man claims The Writer has no right to-oh forget it. Grant Morrison got high and decided it would be totally awesome for him to show up in his own comic and talk to the title character and be all mysterious and powerful and stuff. He did this because Grant Morrison is Grant Morrison and there's nothing deeper about it. After The Writer came into existence he realized he was stuck in the DC Universe and came to the realization that the real Morrison wasn't writing him anymore. Ultimately feeling lost, he asserted himself into The Suicide Squad and died during a mission. How could a being so powerful he can reshape reality with a pen and a notebook be so easily killed? Two words: WRITER'S BLOCK.
The Suicide Squad can be cool. They can be lame. But more often than not, The Suicide Squad can be stupid as hell. I blame Harley Quinn. If it weren't for her The Suicide Squad would be as obscure as The Guardians of The Galaxy. And we all know how they turned out.
Thanks for reading.
Yo, John Ostrander! When you gonna write the Squad again!? Hit me up! @ThePanelBiter