Spider-Man Gets RANKED

Every. Spider-Man. Movie. Gets. Ranked.

And no, Cap 3, Avengers 3, and Venom don't count.

Venom sucks.

Let's go!

The Amazing Spider-Man 2

Wow. Way to abandon the tone you set in the first one. I might not have liked the first one, but I would have respected this franchise more if it didn't puss out from it's original direction. I guess the costume looks better, like next to "Homecoming" it's the best live-action suit Spider-Man has ever had. Electro is a sad loser who becomes a dick, Harry Osborn doesn't get a minute to breathe before he's flying around on a stupid gargoyle, and Rhino was Rhino for maybe four minutes. I don't give a shit about the plot because I'm too busy being bombarded with set-up for Sinister Six and Venom, so fuck you. And thank you for attaching the very important death of Gwen Stacy to this poorly written semi-truck clearly made to shoehorn more movies. I guess we saw how that worked out.

The Amazing Spider-Man

I don't like his basketball and aviators costume. Why did we have to "Dark Knight"-up Spider-Man? I know you tried to offset it with two scenes of Spider-Man being funny, but I'll never forget all those marketing images of Peter in a torn Spider-Man suit or his shadow coming down an alleyway. Or his weird long-legged logo. The Lizard looked like garbage. What kind of evil plot is "turning the city into lizard people because we are the superior race"? You clearly cast Emma Stone as Gwen Stacy because you knew you could replace Gwen's empty personality with a beloved actress. Peter doesn't seem like a smart person, and he doesn't look like a guy who wouldn't fit in. He looks like a member of a boyband. Like, holy shit they tried to start a universe with this trash.

Spider-Man 3

All the Venom shit was tacked on as hell and Raimi knows it. Venom probably looks more accurate than Tom Hardy's, and to the film's credit they try to build a rivalry between Eddie Brock and Peter. It's too bad you also had the film Raimi wanted to make with Sandman and Harry-Snowboarding Goblin-Osborn taking up time. And Peter being "corrupted" by the suit is stupid. It was stupid then and it's a meme now. I'm not saying the Raimi films didn't earn a Black Suit story, they probably deserved a Venom story too, but this film just way too much on it's plate. It's thanks to Avi Arad and this movie that "Venom" got made, so I hate it for that too. At least J.K. Simmons is in it.

Spider-Man

Yeah, it's pretty good. I can't say I like Tobey as Spider-Man, but he does a good job being a weird man-child. Norman, Harry, and Aunt May are all pretty great. MJ can stop talking though. The Green Power Ranger in the Goblin suit is kinda weird in hindsight, but I understand what they were going for. The ending fight is brutal, I liked it. And the film does an excellent job at defining Spider-Man's pathos.

Spider-Man 2

It's just more of the first one. That's not a bad thing, though. Losing his powers to-what I thought was PTSD-was a interesting concept. Doctor Octopus wouldn't be this interesting again until "Superior Spider-Man" a decade later. Him being a mentor figure to Peter was a good way of making the fight more personal and also keeping in theme with the first movie and how Peter always fights his father figures. The train scene and the climax are both really iconic for good reason.

Spider-Man: Homecoming

Love it. It's part of the MCU, it's not an origin story, it's a different Spider-Man story thanks to the inclusion of Iron Man and the idea of Peter becoming an Avenger, like all that is awesome. Tim Holland is my favorite Peter Parker in live action. He's an actual teenager in an actual school. His classmates and his best friend and his aunt all feel real, they all behave like they logically would and Aunt May not being old as dirt is refreshing. Like, my Aunt is around the same age as my mother so why should Aunt May be ancient? Peter's relationship with Tony is so good. Between "Civil War" and this film, I really came around on Tony Stark, he's really grown. And of course Michael Keaton's Vulture is fantastic. His blue-collar motivations combined with a "just dues" attitude makes him frighteningly real and entertaining. And god damn does he look sick. Vulture did not deserve to look that cool. And the twist with him and Liz? Did not see that coming. Really, this film captures what teenaged Peter Parker should be, what kind of world he should live in, and how it should look. I don't care how shiny that Iron Spider suit is, nothing beats the Stark suit.

Spider-Man: Into The Spider-Verse

So, the thing I liked about the Raimi movies was how they captured the meaning of Spider-Man. Not just the Great Power thing, but the idea that even the most awkward of schmucks could be a hero like Spider-Man. And what I liked about Homecoming is how it portrays a teenager in a world of superheroes. How the general public responds to superheroes and how much of an impact they have on people and how so many people from so many backgrounds could rally behind the idea of a superhero. "Spider-Man: Into The Spider-Verse" does both of those things, looks amazing, and is a fun comedy/action with multiple action fig-I MEAN CHARACTERS-that people can attach to.
And look. Live action movies and animated movies are two very different types of movies. However, actors still act, a story is still written, costumes are still designed, fights are still choreographed, and themes are still used. I felt more for Peter in this movie than I did in most of those other films. Animated or not, this is a still a Spider-Man movie ranking and I like this one the best.
It also helps that Miles takes most of the plot. His life, his struggle, his family, his development as a hero taking the role of an idol who died in front of him. I love all the stuff they do with Miles and Peter and how they manage to keep Miles' origin accurate to the comics while so tying in Cameo The Event-I MEAN SPIDER-VERSE-without interrupting Miles' journey. It's a fun way to do a legacy character and a good way of compromising between the old and the new.
And finally a Spider-Man movie where Peter Parker isn't between the ages of 15 and 21. Finally Peter Parker is an adult, one with a ex and a dead Aunt and weight issues. In a way this could be the most relatable Peter Parker ever created. But again, the movie is about Miles and they do a great job of making him different from Peter. They do a great job with the other Spider-people too like Spider-Man Noir and Spider-Ham. I liked the multiple animation styles and how visually exciting it felt. Really there is a lot to gush over with this film and that level of depth really impresses me.
At the end of the day, "Spider-Man: Into The Spider-Verse" isn't just a springboard for a new franchise of films. Trust me Sony is gonna try like hell to make that happen. But it is also a celebration of Spider-Man, and a solute to what the character means to pop culture. Anybody can be Spider-Man.
Thanks for not reading!