What If Spider-Man...

Back in the day comic books liked taking chances, they like stretching outside the normal and introduce a question into their universe that would shake it up entirely. These were called "What If" books and Marvel Comics used them to tell some interesting stories. But I have some What If's too. For example: What If Peter Parker was Bitten by a Different Spider?

 We all know how the story originally went. Peter Parker gets bitten by a radioactive spider and-instead of turning into a tumor farm-the abilities of the spider transfer onto Peter and he uses these powers to become The Amazing Spider-Man. But what if that spider wasn't your common house spider? What if it was a little more exotic? Would it's abilities be carried over?

Bit by The Bird Dropping Spider

The "bird dropping spider" is a species of spider found in Australia and developed a form of camouflage to avoid it's avian predators. This spider resembles bird droppings and uses it's appearance to avoid attacks and to catch prey. It will lay motionless in a web and release a pheromone that mimics the sex smell of moths. Once a moth lands to answer the booty call, the Bird Dropping Spider captures it. So if a radioactive Bird Dropping Spider bit Peter Parker I think it's safe to assume one of his powers would be-ahem-looking like shit. Wake me up at the wrong time and I can present a similar power. So if Spider-Man sits still he'll look like a pile of poop. But would it be bird poop or people poop? Would he release pheromones that simulate moth sex or could he modify it? If he's fighting the rhino can he ensnare him with the smell of rhino love? Peter's a smart guy, but I feel even he would find these powers silly.

Bit by The Diving Bell Spider

Mostly found in central Europe and northern Asia, these spiders are known for building environments underwater. This spider will create a sac underwater made out of it's own specialized silk and then carry pockets of oxygen down to the sac. It's a long and complicated process, but these spiders are able to create bell-shaped bubbles of oxygen out of webbing and keep them submerged underwater. Due to their climate these spiders are strong enough to resist water currents and resist buoyancy. They'll wait until an aquatic insect wanders near their submerged home and pull them in to devour them. So if Peter was bitten by a radioactive Diving Bell Spider that could mean his webbing could be used as underwater hospitality. Actually, it already is. Peter's web-fluid is powerful and thick enough to create a pocket of air and keep outside substances out, even liquids. Though with this spider's powers he'd most likely set up his superhero HQ under the Manhattan River.

Bit by The Brazilian Wandering Spider

Finally we have The Brazilian Wandering Spider. During the day they hide in mounds, under logs, and even inside banana plants, but at night they scurry along the jungle floor hunting frogs, crickets and lizard. The Wandering Spider's neurotoxin causes loss of muscle control, breathing problems, paralyses and finally asphyxiation. But it's signature feature is the effect the spider has on human males. A bite from this spider can cause a painful erection, one that will last many hours, have a risk of causing impotence and will most likely remain after it's toxins work their way through the body and kill the human. That's right, this spider bites you, gives you a hard-on and then you die. Apparently the erection is so potent medical experts have considered altering the venom of this spider and using it in male performance enhancements. So if Peter was bitten by The Brazilian Wandering Spider he'd only come out at night, give horrific hickies to his foes, and possibly give Green Goblin a raging "ogre" before taking his life. Or maybe the powers are inverted and Peter just becomes a porn star. This is comics we're talking about.
Thanks for reading!
And stay away from spiders. They're messed up.